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Wednesday, December 14, 2011


I am really struggling tonight. I am about as ill as I have been in a long time and the Docs can't seem to get it figured out. In addition, my physical disabilities are as painful and debilitating as they have ever been so that continues to be an ongoing and most probably a life-long struggle.

I have noticed from the reactions of people around me that my illnesses and disabilities once again seem to be alienating me from my friends, my family and the world in general. Since I have become a Christian, my life changed in many, many ways...almost all of them positive. As a result, I became more open socially then ever before and really opened up as a person. As a result I let some people in to my life that I never would have before. And I really enjoy these relationships...

But I sense them eroding and it is my health and disabilities that once again seem to be driving a wedge between me and people in general. People cannot understand how difficult it is for me to function and do the same things that they can do and even though they tell you it's OK and not to worry...I can sense thy have grown tired of it and have kind of moved on to other things. I could be wrong but it's my perception that my behavior has perhaps turned people away...

Of course this just happens to be a time where I've felt about as alone and isolated as I ever have since I became a Christian. I don't expect life to be fair, I certainly realize that nobody owes me anything but my life truly happens to be very HARD right now and I am really hurting inside.

I will admit that I am feeling quite fearful about this latest diagnosis...and I just feel very alone and isolated right now like I have nobody to turn to but myself for solace...and let's face it...I am my own worst enemy at times!  I realize this is a moment to turn toward GOD and I do but I feel so alone...

I guess what bothers me the most about this is that I fear that people may think I'm faking this because they can't possibly understand what I am going through and how hard I try to connect others. No they can't relate to my situation and it probably just seems to them like I'm acting ODD at times...which because of my overall situation...I AM!

All I can really do is pray...and re-connect with GOD. Easier said then done, of course.

Over the last two weeks I have been awake ALL Night, every night by myself and I have really had my FAITH and my SANITY tested...I mean REALLY tested! I am now to the point where I dread the coming of nightfall...I am almost afraid of it.

I miss my friends but don't want to burden them anymore. I feel so trapped and so alone right now though I know in my heart that I am not alone. I can't help but wonder why with all the great things that have been happening in my life lately, why I am suffering again so soon after all the pain and difficulty from my past. Some things are NOT for me to know...I suppose.

Well my friends I am going to close for the night. I am under no illusion that I will a specter of a shadow that was my former self...I'll glide through the darkened hallways hoping to discover my former energy or some semblance of a life worth living again. I'm hurting...

(Painting by Claude Monet)


  1. I understand how some of your friends may be feeling. They might not think you are faking but it can be hard to be around such a negative influence.

    They can't share the same camraderie or banter with you. As you are ill, it appears so trivial. Plus, it can be really hard to find things to talk about.

    I say this because I have been in that position. One way to combat this, is to call them and not talk about your illness, find out whats going on their life, don't let the illness dominate the conversation.

    Let them know how you are feeling of course, take their advice and sympathy, just not every time you talk them. I am sure you will see a difference after a while.

  2. Ian, I think in some cases the point you are making is quite valid. The point I don't agree with is the negative influence. The relationships I am referring to here are all recovery or spiritually based relationships and talking about & dealing with overcoming issues is an accepted part of what these relationships are...and it goes both ways. Of course you had no way of knowing that...

    One of the things that I have to be careful about is sitting around and feeling sorry for this instance or any other. Other then this post here, I really tend to avoid doing that and always try and do my best to look at the positive side of things.

    Your point on limiting the talk about illness is valid and a good one. Again, these relationships tend to be about mutually supporting each other so that line can get blurred a bit.

    Generally when I post something like this I am not trying to point out how others can change FOR ME but rather what can I DO to make this situation better. I don't blame the others here, I can't afford to do that, I need to take responsibility for my behavior and certainly isn't their problem that I am having a difficult time right now.

    I truly think the answer to any issue I may have will lie in my ability to connect back on more solid, spiritual ground. When I am feeling balanced and connected to GOD, it's truly irrelevant how other people act. My moods should never be influenced by the moods or behaviors of other people.

    So Ultimately in a round about way...I do agree with your point that the issue really is MINE not my friends. I am the one who needs to change his behavior and how I am acting...and I believe that starts with being in a solid place spiritually.

    Thanks for the comment, Ian...

  3. T - The negative influence point, regardless of how the relationships are supposed to be, spiritually supportive or whatever, is still valid. It comes down to human nature. They can have all the best intentions in the world but sometimes and it may not even be conscious decision, they don't call as much or engage as much as they used too.

    It can effect them mentally to be constantly discussing someones illness, believe me. I have been in that position.

  4. Perhaps, Ian...perhaps, only those people themselves know for sure. But since I'll be seeing some of them today I'll ask them.

    In my mind we don't "CONSTANTLY" talk about illness..on the contrary, it's just one topic of many therefore I can't see your point as valid in this case but we'll chat about it today and see what they say...

    It's easy to read this blog and think "my god all he does is write about this stuff" and that is correct, that is what this blog is about. But I do it HERE so I don't feel the need to constantly discuss it in my private life.

    Good stuff man and I do know where you are coming from. Some folks are constantly droning on about their problems or illness and everything takes of a feeling of negativity. That is not a all what is going on here...I am certain of that.