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Monday, December 12, 2011

A Drink Is NOT The Answer BOY!

I'm really struggling to push through the fatigue, the tired "Molasses" Mind Process where it feels like I am moving through wet sand in every movement that make. Describing myself as "sluggish" does not even come close to describing how this feels to me right now...

I am scheduled for a sleep study next week which I am canceling since I am not having issues while I sleep...I am NOT sleeping at all! Again I am really feeling frustrated because the sleep deprivation is affecting every aspect of my life right now. It really brings me down and sets my mind to wandering into areas where I definitely no longer want to go. Deep, dark frightening places where I think that perhaps a DRINK may help me sleep again. Oh yes...where a drink or perhaps a sleeping pill or tranquilizer script will make my everything all right AGAIN....It's All A LIE 'ya know....A bright, shiny Lie. 

See, a drink can still look like an answer to me after ALL the shit I've be through. In recovery circles they speak of the "insanity of the disease"...well this scenario is a common (all too common, I'm afraid) one and many addict/alcoholics lose their lives because of the choices they make when faced with this DILEMMA.

It starts out where the addict/alcoholic in recovery is ill or cannot sleep (like me) gets stressful and there doesn't seem to be any way around the sleep issue. A drink seems innocent will make me tired, relax me and I can sleep. I figure since I've been sober almost 6 years I have it under control...only, that is an illusion. My alcoholism is right there under the surface just waiting for me to introduce booze or drugs into my system, because I have proven over and over again that when I do...I'm off and running again. 

I've see some of my buddies die this way...their lives were going pretty well but they stopped listening and thought they could figure it all out for themselves....I cannot take that chance today so I keep trying relax and ride this out. I've learned over the years that bad stretches like this...even though they really SUCK right now will pass if given the time. So here's to time...and to prayer and meditation.

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