Saturday, December 31, 2011
TOPPLED Over TOMMY
Self worth...Ach, what is that really...self worth? I mean yea, I get that it has something to do with how I feel about myself, how I VALUE me. But seriously, what difference does what I think of myself really make. Does that single set of feelings related to how I feel about me at one moment in time really have that much power over what I truly am as a human being and do I actually NEED that assurance of good self-esteem to help me make it through...
Don't get me wrong...I certainly think it is important that we feel OK with who and what we are. Feeling hateful and disgusted with one's self is no satisfying way to live. I just think society may put too much emphasis on "self esteem" much like we do on beauty and that the pay off for having great "self esteem" isn't really that great. We obviously want to avoid self-hatred but being able to detect flaws about one's self and point them out which is often taken as a negative "self-esteem" thing to me is actually a huge positive.
Now after saying all that I will admit that today...for the first time in I couldn't tell you how long I thought about wanting to die. Not some big suicide wish but I am TIRED to the very CORE of my BEING...I am at the end of my proverbial rope, I'm done, finis' Kaput. I've depleted all my internal PHYSICAL resources. I can't eat well enough to replenish that energy supply...I have been existing of FAITH, PRAYER and ICE CREAM for two solid days now because it's all I can stomach.
I managed to read to the ladies at the nursing home and I haven't a clue how I got through that. I am too exhausted to do anything...I mean anything. Some one asked me today if I had plans for tonight, New Years Eve and I just laughed...I'd SLEEP, if I could!
Now don't get me wrong folks...I am NOT suicidal but I am feeling desperate, I am really hurting physically as well. Whenever I have ever gotten this fatigued before my physical ailments pain increases and today is definitely a painful day.
I am struggling to write coherent sentences so I am going to stop for now...Needless to say I have no plans tonight and couldn't carry them out if I did so it's just as well. So long for now...