Wednesday, December 14, 2011
In My Time...Am I Dying?
Any regular or semi-regular reader to this blog will probably tell you how tired they are of hearing about how exhausted I am, how I don't feel well and so on. I can certainly understand that isn't what folks tune in to read ere on the SHOCK. But at the same time I am receiving a lot of encouraging emails where folks have expressed concern and I appreciate that a great deal.
Yesterday in a post, I was showing my frustration and general weariness with life and I used the phrase "I feel like I'm dying...". Typically, I avoid or try to avoid using words that dramatic if I possible can because it begins to sound frivolous because words like that start to become overused and not taken seriously. It begins to sounds as if as if I'm exaggerating and the truth in itself is not difficult or troubling enough on it's own.
Oddly though, looking back on that rather strange, sleep-deprived little post from yesterday, I am starting to realize that the feeling of dying I expressed has a feel of TRUTH to it after all....
For whatever reason, I am feeling pushed to my limit physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. The lack of sleep, combined with the ongoing daily stresses and strains of life are combining in such a way physically and other wise to literally create the internal impression that life is ebbing away from me. That my ability to control it is just beyond my reach...it is an awful, helpless feeling & thought until the realization sets in that it is but a dream, it isn't real.
The combination of extreme tiredness and the very real feeling that I am losing control is frightening. And that is where I think I can realistically describe that specific experience accurately as "feeling like I'm dying..."