Thursday, March 3, 2011
I don't know if most people feel this way occasionally or not but sometimes I just don't really know how I feel about things going on in my life. Perhaps I'm just feeling jaded not burned out but just kind of played out. Melancholy might be a good way to describe what I'm feeling...detached may be another way.
I have had good things going on today and some not so good things happen, nothing that is so negative that would affect my recovery but life stuff that bothers me a great deal when I think about it. I have come along way in learning how to deal with life's little ups and downs. How to work through emotional things but the bottom line is I still hurt inside when things go wrong.
It's always about people. I've found that the #1 thing I get bummed out about is usually someone else. Perhaps I had certain expectations and they fell short then I feel hurt. Well I've learned, at least for ME that that is usually my problem. I had unrealistic expectations and then I get bummed when it doesn't happen the way I want it to.
Today I've chosen to trust people. I have relationships again...not all that long ago I had NO relationships with anyone and that was my choice. I just didn't even try to deal with it, they got in the way of MY life. Today I care about people and I've let my guard down....
And I get hurt sometimes because of it. And I did today...I ache inside when people I care about are feeling down or screw up or have bad stuff go on in their lives. I don't have a MAGIC WAND and dammit I wish I did...whoosh: All troubles would disappear!! But that isn't reality nope, just like I did, sometimes people I care about F**k up too and learn life's lessons the hard way. And I hate having to be the HEAVY but I'm not showing my love for my friends if I'm not telling them the truth...no matter how much it hurts.
But it is a simple fact, I love my friends and family so much that I have to let them live their lives, even when they do stupid stuff...I can't fix it up so everything is great. I don't have that power and even if I did I don't think I'd be helping them much by doing it.
But what I can do is hurt...and I do hurt. Because I love them...Because I care about them it hurts me to see them struggle. No matter what that struggle is...As I live and hopefully grow as a person each day I still have to learn how to be this guy that thinks and cares about other people. Before I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about how other people were doing. Now I do and it's hard when I can't SAVE everyone...especially from themselves!