Taking Time...

I cannot tell you right now when the last time was that I had a craving for a beer/cocktail/glass 'o wine or really wanted to do drugs. It was that long ago that the compulsion factor of my alcoholism/addiction was removed from me. And not a minute too soon when it was either because in those early days I wanted to drink like....all the time.

No, today my feelings of negativity are more subtle really..very quiet...insidious. I don't want to drink but I'll get these moods (that are also getting pretty rare now too) where I'll feel like I don't want to carry on any more. Like I'd rather not live anymore...

They aren't suicidal thoughts...no, more like a reaction from the lethargy I get from Depression or just feeling down. And yes I was diagnosed with Depression among other things when I first started making the rounds of Psych Wards after my suicide attempt though I really believe the root cause for all those psychiatric diagnosis was truly my alcoholism/addiction. Treat those and the other symptoms all but disappear...

Overall I'd have to say that I am still learning every day how to cope with my emotions daily in a healthy, productive way instead of turning them inward or have them turn self-destructive. It's part of growing up haha, I am a 48 year old little kid!

In all seriousness though it is just part of knowing that is me and it OK. I had to get used to the notion long ago when I fist started practicing recovery on a daily basis that they're were going to be things that were going to be frustrating but the ultimate goal of continuous sobriety was worth the hassle. And it has been.