What are you supposed to do when you're afraid?
Obviously fear is a warning of sorts...sometimes one is afraid because of a specific situation where there is danger. The fear I'm thinking about this morning is the more subtle, "behind the scenes" kind of fear that hovers between your conscience and sub-conscience mind. That nagging, worry oriented fear...like the "I am ill, very ill and I haven't a clue what's going to happen to me" fear. The "am I going to die" kind of fear.
And that is what I'm getting at...as I sit here and write this, I am afraid. This stuff going on inside me, frightens me more then I can say. It haunts my dreams and messes with my mind. It attacks the faith I just so recently have found.
Fear...can be debilitating. It can paralyze you and send you cowering in a corner. I struggle to find much good in that type of fear. The "RUN, the house is on fire" fear? Yes, I totally get that and see the point...this subtle, faith destroying fear...NADA, is no good as far as I can see.
I am fortunate to have gotten in to the MAYO Clinic as quickly as I did (one week). But this week, quite honestly has seemed like an eternity. That has been the challenge, to keep focused on the positive and keep moving forward.
But those desires are running into resistance from my illness, physically. The lethargy of the body is creeping into my spirit. Only sleep seems comforting to me now, though I know I need rest. I know I need to listen to my body... but this desire for sleep/rest reminds me all to clearly of my constant search for oblivion when I was an active addict/alcoholic.
In the last days of my active drug and alcohol abuse, sleep was just as good as getting plastered. ANYTHING to make the hard reality of my life GO AWAY. The problem then was I could never get any relief..from drugs, booze or sleep...my nightmare then was constant and it never tired. It was 24 hours/7 days a week of living hell...
That is not what I am feeling this morning..no, not at all. But the constant desire to rest, to stop to sleep just reminds me enough of that time that it makes me slightly uncomfortable. Isn't that funny? I'm amazed that I've even made that connection but that is how much I am in tune with my body, mind and spirit today, that I notice even that subtle similarity. That is the active, real result of a spiritual connection...
Those readers of a spiritual nature will certainly see that my situation today is one where perhaps prayer and/or meditation would provide some relief. And I know that. That certainly is why I am so grateful for my spiritual beliefs today, because in God I find the peace and serenity needed to combat those nagging, soul destroying fears...
But the focus of this post was more my attempt at articulating what is happening to me. To explain, describe and clarify...so those who care about me can better understand my long silences. Or the sadness that may creep over my face like the sun going down in my eyes. That way, my friends know that Thom is hurting and he is afraid, even when he is doing his best John Wayne TOUGH GUY impression and trying NOT to show it.