A Bloody Mess!

Well from the amount of blood splattered all over my bathroom counter, floor and sink, making it look like a freaking crime scene I know that at least my heart is still pumping blood just like it should...just wish my right lung was that healthy.

I haven't been eating much so after I took a nap this afternoon and a shower I figured I better eat something. I get kinda of shaky if I don't eat for awhile but I don't have much of an appetite either. Fruit always sounds good so I was slicing an apple but my mind was wandering just a bit too far away from the task at hand, only to be shocked back to reality the moment I darn near slit the tip of my index finger on my left hand off!

Not very smart I know...a wandering mind and a really sharp knife are not good partners! Ach what a mess...typically I'm not a super big bleeder but man it was flowing like the raging Amazon River this afternoon.

One thing for certain though is it snapped me out of the emotional lethargy I have been feeling lately. So for whatever that is worth at least it got my attention.

It is my way to hold my sorrow close, to let it intensify the way I see and feel everything. I'm not so sure that is actually a negative thing...it just IS the way I process stuff when I'm hurting. Then I move forward....it has been a fairly effective way of coping these past couple of years though even my close friends tend to worry about me because I become so much more reserved and intense as time goes by...

This evening I'm feeling rather impatient because other then collecting a whole bunch of pee I am not doing anything and that isn't sitting well with me. I feel I should be fighting it now...right now and not letting time slip through my fingers.

I have this strange feeling that those tumors are like consuming me from the inside and it can totally freak on me if I think about that too much (like i'm doing this afternoon). I need the week to start so I can start getting the additional testing done that is now required by my Doc. I know it doesn't make much of a difference in reality but it feels better to be doing something...anything.

It's already pushing 7p so the night is coming quickly, before I know it tomorrow will come and hopefully we can answer some questions...Until then lets find out who is in the NCAA Basketball Tournament shall we?