Sunday morning...and I feel like i'm living in the Twilight Zone. I can tell that I'm getting older because I used to like being away from home and living out of a suitcase. I'm just not as flexible anymore and prefer the routine's of home. Being SOBER might have a little to do with it as well....(You think!?)
Yea, I think! I was always looking to be anywhere but where I actually was. I was always running, even when standing still. Life was unsatisfying and deep down I believe I felt that if I moved around I would find something better.
The problem was, quite literally ME. So it makes sense then if i took ME wherever I was running to...the same problems would exist, right? Because I was the problem!
Of course I did not have the perspective of time and distance, to step back and see it for what it really was. Today it's obvious, back then...not so much. If anyone would have suggested that to me, I think outwardly I would have suggested they were NUTS but deep down I think I knew. But that was my emotional Kryptonite, I could NEVER, EVER admit that i was to blame.
So the charade continued on until the bitter end. Now of course I can see the scenario rather clearly. What I thought was to dangerous to admit, that I was the problem turned into the key that unlocked the door to freedom. Acceptance was the KEY to unlocking the chains of denial that were imprisoning me in my alcoholic/addictive HELL.
Once I admitted then accepted what I was, it was then possible to change. Changing was by no means easy but up to that point it was never even a possibility. But at least I could start to hope that maybe a solution existed from the torment of my addiction.
Ultimately it was my surrendering to the fact that I could NOT defeat the BEAST (addiction/alcoholism) on my own. It had kicked my a** and I was completely defeated. Although I had no clue at that time that this was indeed a GOOD thing. But the undeniable truth was that in defeat, I found victory!
To be continued...