(Pray...)
I think there must be a process a person goes through (much like the grieving process) when it comes to accepting an unexpected, difficult situation like I'm experiencing at the moment. I feel unequipped at this point in time to cope, much like a child and honestly though I'm going to write this out, I'm not sure I'll post it or ever let it see the light of day.
(Pray...)
I'm having very grave doubts, I am full of fear and feel so terribly sad right now. My natural tendency is to want to just lay down and try to sleep, just make it all go away. Escape through slumber...doesn't sound too much different then escape through self-medication in some aspects, does it? The "escape" part is identical...
(Pray...)
But as I tried to nap this afternoon I dreamed a whole slew of Doctors, all Cancer Specialists were riding with me in my new car and they all insisted that I let them smoke in it. It was horrifying because they wouldn't listen to me...it was like my fear of a doctor not listening was playing itself out in my sub-conscience. I've had that experience phycisians where no one seemed to be listening to me. It's frightening when you feel like a pawn in your own life and serious health issues are at play. Anyway the whole thing freaked me out in it's realistic recreation-I could actually smell the cigarette smoke in my dream...
(Pray...)
We have all heard about the modern day male and that there is no shame in a man having a cry...well I can't cry right now for I have no tears....I think I'm too dehydrated to generate tears! That would actually have been really funny if it wasn't so bloody sad.
(Pray...)
I detach....not physically but close, really close. I've done this before, when I hurt or I'm afraid. I almost feel like it is happening in a void..to somebody else. "That it isn't my pain...it's not my life". Then there's a jolt, it's quite a shock and I wince.."shit! Yea...it's really me. And dammit, it's really real. Ach..."
(Pray...)
When I was a child I was fascinated with the Crucifixion of Christ. I was always fascinated with movies like King of Kings or Jesus of Nazareth . I had forgotten this but we had a tree out back, that had really big thorns. I actually made a crown out of those thorns and put in on to see how it would feel. I even cinched it down tight over my head, almost to the tops of my eyes...it hurt and I bled, not too much but a steady trickle. I used to close my eyes and picture being crucified..I haven't the faintest idea why.
(Pray...)
I had a GI Joe and crucified him on a wooden cross...that whole image of our Lord, dying for us, particularly in that way. I was so amazed, so overwhelmed, frightened by the very POWER of that act and knowing I was one of the people, just like those that crucified him. That tormented me for years and years...starting as a young boy.
(Pray...)
The thought crossed my mind this evening that perhaps I was now being punished for those boyhood crucifixions. I know, I know...it isn't true, yet I haven't a clue why I though about that today. But I do not believe I am punished for my past...I have been saved by HIS sacrifice for me.
(Pray...)
I have many thoughts tonight and yes, I'm confused yet I sense a difference...subtle but solid, it's real and won't leave me. I may be hurting but I am not HURT...Because today, I no longer become what I fear...like I did in the old days. I feel what I feel, I may share that feeling like I'm doing now but I am no longer consumed by my feelings and they will pass...then I will move along.
(Pray...)
Tonight, Oh GOD I pray for the strength,
to carry out your will in the face of so
much uncertainty...as these storms of adversity
rain down the fear of what cannot be known.
Only you Lord, know why these things happen as they do.
It is for me but to listen and accept your will knowing that no matter what may happen, you are there with me always, now and forever...Amen.
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