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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

What I Feel Right Now..

I feel as ill right now overall as I ever have in my life. I mean I've been momentarily sicker, violently ill, throwing up but from the perspective of my whole body, the whole entity and my overall well being..I have never felt so completely ill.

I have severe pain and bloating in my lower abdomen,I have these sweat episodes where I break out in a total sweat, soaking the clothes I'm wearing. With these episodes comes a wave of fatigue like I've NEVER felt before. I can hardly function.

I urinate about every 10-20 minutes no matter how much or how little fluid I drink. In the latest test I put out just shy of 2 gallons of urine in 24 hours. I have severe headaches...never had those before. I am dehydrated...I always feel SO dry, the the desert dry.

I still have severe symptoms of Barrett's Esophagus, acid reflux coming back up from my stomach. That will be operated on when I get home from MINNI. I itch all skin is so dry from dehydration, it is quite the unpleasant feeling I assure you. I sweat, I ache, I itch...I'm short of breath and I wheeze all the time. I'm peeing constantly and I double over without warning when the pain shoots through my abdomen. It's not much of a good time, this being sick thing...

All these symptoms are in addition to the daily issues that come with my back, neck and hip disabilities. I feel like I fell out of a tree, like 5 minutes ago and I keep falling out every hour on the hour! ACH, I often feel like those symptoms I just described and the itchy, sting, sharp pain in my gut thats going on right now will drive me over the edge. I have sweat dripping off me right now for no reason. My entire head is wet like I ran water over it.

Sometimes I find that I can't feel my hands or lift my arms. Stuff like that happens and what does my mind do? It tells me I'll never cast another fishing rod in my life. No golf swing, no catch with my grandsons....that is part of the fear I described earlier.

Do you realize that I do not know what feeling normal is...I just don't. I have felt sh*tty for so long....I don't like living like this. It is more then I bargained for...I don't want to feel like this any more but what can I do except suffer through it. It pushes me right to the edge, this frustration and helplessness..yes, powerlessness.

Don't get me wrong...I am so grateful to be going to Mayo...I know they'll find out what's wrong but I still worry. Staying in hotels is expensive and I constantly worry that I won't have enough to make it. I can stay 7 nights and have gas there and back but have very little money left to eat. I guess it's an act of faith and I have to watch it. If it gets close I'll have to check out and leave.

Thing is they might diagnose me in two days and then I'm on my way home with money to spare. I'm fortunate that I have enough to go and stay.

That was just a synopsis of what I feel and think in just a snapshot of my point of view and my thoughts. I do trust God...I do pray for the strength to endure. But I also believe that I have to be responsible, be frugal and make sure I can do this. Anyway I'm leaving tomorrow morning so I best just accept it...

In the time it took to write this, I weathered another sweats attack and extreme fatigue. So the night is looking up...

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