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Saturday, March 19, 2011

"You're In Trouble Boy..."

My body is talking to me these days, I'm really trying hard to listen to what it's saying...and I really don't think I like what it's trying to tell me. Honestly, I never payed much attention to how I felt (other then the back, leg, neck stuff related to my disability) because when I was an active addict/alcoholic, I felt physically lousy a lot of the time. It came with the territory when your drinking/doing drugs to that basically excepted that you were gonna feel like sh*t a good part of the time. You accept that as a price to pay for the "moments of Ecstasy you felt when under the influence...

The after getting sober I went through all sorts of weird rumblings inside my body, not knowing really what "normal" was supposed to feel like. I'm sure for most folks this hardly makes any sense and borders if not crosses the line of what is sane behavior...BINGO! Addictive/alcoholic behavior isn't sane.

So today, these last few months, weeks, days and hours I started to get "IT" body was screaming at me: "Thom something is terribly wrong!!". Of course my reaction was to ignore that screaming for awhile and tell myself I was over-reacting. Until it has become so obvious that I am really ill.

Which brings me to the "NOW". I have the most incredible pain, tingling, weird feeling in my head. I told Kim last night that I felt like my whole BEING is sick...yea, the whole me...that is something I couldn't even comprehend before. Now unfortunately for me, I understand it all very well indeed.

I wake up at night (one of the 6 or 8 times I do on average) and my body is now whispering: "You're in trouble BOY!". Oh God am I ever afraid...I get it now.

I think that is why reconciling myself to going to Minnesota for diagnosis/treatment was a very easy and logical call to make. Actually I truly believe the decision was already made for me just by the fact that I was accepted and admitted so easily and so soon. God got out his bulldozer and paved the path for me so even I, "Mr Density" could figure out that I needed to do this. Stubborn pride, etc. has no place what so ever when you your life is in play. Nope you do what you have to do...

I am a person who obviously can be rather intense in normal times: the way I act, think, feel, express every way really. Going through this experience has INTENSIFIED that feeling in me if that is even possible. So I am taught, like a live wire all the time: ever thought or emotion seems so crystallized in my mind, totally clear and it is weird to experience. So I am bouncing off walls sometimes..then my health intervenes and I hardly feel the energy to...breathe. I'm so weak...those contrasts are really tough. I'm swing back and forth like a ping pong ball emotionally.

That is why the timing of my spiritual experience: Becoming a Christian is so incredible because that has balanced the un-balancable, period. I simply would be a basket case with out the doubt about it.

So I move on and try to keep moving. I certainly have enough going on in my life to keep me occupied. So time to experience Saturday...


  1. T:
    I mentioned "Rooms a Thousand Years Wide" by Soundgarden in my comment on your previous post. Just in case you aren't familiar with the lyrics, they fit well with this post, so here they be:

    "Listen, hear, he is inside
    One who lives while others lie
    I close my eyes and walk a thousand years
    A thousand years that aren't mine
    It seems he's near me as I walk
    One who loved what love denied
    He lives these years that I walk blind
    All these years cannot be mine
    Tomorrow begat tomorrow
    Begat tomorrow
    Begat tomorrow
    A thousand doors a thousand lies
    Rooms a thousand years wide
    He walks in the cold sun and wind
    All these years will not begin
    Tomorrow begat tomorrow
    Begat tomorrow
    Begat tomorrow"

    I have, for the most part, always been very linear, or level, or flat in regards to my emotional state, which inexplicably changed in the last year, perhaps mostly due simply to a period of uncertainty. At some point I will, hopefully, write about my thoughts on the matter. I've started to write about it, but never completed anything. And... oddly enough, there are a number of things that you have written about that were inexplicably in my thought realm as well. More subtle weirdness.

    So... if I say "I feel your pain"... I don't mean it literally, but hope you get my drift.

  2. SG-Thank you for sharing that. I listened to Soundgarden quite a bit and that song somehow passed me by. How? I have no idea...perhaps it was to be saved for today when it really means something to me. I certainly believe in that kind of timely message waiting to be delivered when I need it the most. I needed it today, I assure you...