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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I Feel Lousy:Time To Die Now...

I honestly thought someone would freak on the hugging the earth post...nope. Everybody must think: "Well it figures...he's a freaking tree hugger, I knew it all along..."

Actually I would not neatly fall under any category of tree hugger or conversationalist there is. I am just me, a mixture of contradictions, always was and I always will be. I recycle because it's a good thing to do. Just like I take care of the house I live in I believe people (like me) should also take planet they live on as well. Its got ZERO to do with politics or moral philosophy...

I thought it sounded good to feel the solid ground beneath me and though it was still a bit wet it did feel really good....

I really thought that I should get the kayak out and paddle among the ice flows still on the lake. That is something I really want to do but I'm not up to it...I just don't have the strength to deal with it. It seems so out of reach...pulling the kayak out, across the road and down to the water...It's not easy to paddle either..I mean typically it is but I just have no strength or energy.

Instead when I was laying back and meditating I closed my eyes and I could feel myself just gliding across the water...effortlessly. An amazing and somewhat realistic sensation for me...

I've been thinking about dying. Thinking about it a lot really. I used to do that a great deal but it was was WISHFUL thinking then, like I wanted it to was a form of running away just like I had been doing for years and years in various ways. Drinking was my favorite escape at all and it was easy, just drink and reality faded to black...not to think about until sobriety set in again.

Today I think about dying but its more in relation to bring it on...I'm ready. If it is time then yea, I am ready. I'm prepared...funny though but I can't say I don't want it to happen because Heaven sounds inviting after all I've experienced but at the same time I am not ready to leave this life either.

Those can be difficult thoughts to reconcile myself to...Not sure there is an easy answer to those questions so I don't really linger on 'em. It isn't my place really to ponder eternity...God in his time will deal with that.

I am confused at times yet also at peace knowing whatever happens is OK even though I am real anxious and agitated about my health. I think it would be merciful if I just passed on through and went my merry way. How is that for SELFISH thinking, huh!!? "I don't feel good so dying and going to heaven sounds like a good idea...uh LORD, can you set that up for me...Thanks"

Jeez, doesn't take long for the old thinking to return does it? That is ridiculous..just nuts. It is life Thom, sometimes it hurts you f**king crybaby! Deal with it....and then I snap out of it and I get back to just relying on his will....

That is the kind of old habit in thinking that happens when I take the focus off of others and start focusing on ME. How I feel, What I think,What I'm doing, What I look like, What I want, Whats best for ME...and on and on and on. No I cannot go back to that type of thinking and emotional obsession with self.

I almost feel sickened just thinking about myself that much. I have friends that are going through medical issues too and I have been neglecting them. I need to focus on what I can control...I can pray for my friends..I can pray for people I know, I can be a friend, nurture those I care about and that is what I am going to do.

So this disconcerted, rambling mess of a post is coming to a merciful close...


  1. LOL Hugging the earth doesn't make you a tree hugger! I'm anything BUT a tree hugger, but I tell you, absorbing all that life energy, or lying still and feeling it, that's something that is just amazing. You honestly CAN feel movements and energies. It is absolutely freaking amazing!

  2. I was just jacking...I live in an area full of Conservative, sportsman, good ole boys so that is probable interpretation I was funning about. I totally get where your coming a matter of fact I went on a month long summer school trip in 9th grade for science credit out through the Rockies, Tetons, Yellowstone, Wind cave, Pine Ridge Res.and I starting connecting to the earth then. I have no doubt we can sense the vibes of the earth. I'm just acting the fool, being a crack pot...I am, after all the one who went and hugged the wet soil yesterday for all to see!

  3. LOL, yeah, I know, it's one of those times you hope "oh God, I hope no one is watching", but when you do it, and you feel your pulse beating in perfect sync to the pulse of something so much bigger than yourself, it's just so amazing you stop caring.

    I honestly believe that you can release illness (or at least part of it) back to God in that way, it may even be a psycho semantic release, but it is significant, and can have long term results. It's that perfect symmetry that is created and that we choose to struggle so hard to be "individual" and "apart" from. Sometimes it's just good to get back in touch with everything, because everything lives through God.

    I find it funny, that people find nothing wrong with buying magnetic bracelets, or the concept of meditation, but they find it odd that we would wish to be closer to the single biggest "magnetic" presence we have, which is the earth. If a small magnet can make you feel better, imagine what the biggest one ever created can do (or at least the biggest one we have access to anyway).