I posted this morning about being sick and not doing a very good job of taking care of myself and it has occurred to me that there is another factor in all that. I get this stubborn streak thing where I don't want to give into the sickness but by continuing on with my regular routine I get even sicker.
Today I met with some friends in recovery. I really debated about whether I should even leave the house after what had happened last night. Well it turns out I shouldn't have left the house today at all. I really am too ill to be running around and should have stayed in and recovered from that severe nausea attack I had last night. But no I went...and the whole time I felt terrible, sick, shaky, sweaty and nauseous. And to make things worse, it really felt like people (who are my friends!) were looking at me funny as if I had done something wrong. Like I shouldn't ever be sick even though my history is well known...
It seemed like: "he's sick he must be up to something". Now I realize I'm sensitive to that kind of thing and may be over reacting...The truth is I feel funny when I'm not well but one of the reasons I am where I am today with my health is because I didn't do what I needed to do in the first place.
One of the issues that recovering people will definitely deal with at some point is suspicion, usually from family or close friends. It comes with the territory and can happen more then you would think. But even so it doesn't make it any easier to deal with and for me days like today just tap into that whole isolation thing from the past. I just absolutely hate feeling this way but I suppose I have no choice...
I know...tomorrow morning I'll go and have this stomach procedure done and hopefully we can know once and for all what is happening in there and what we can do about it. It's ironic in a negative way to go this far in sobriety yet still feel so poorly physically.
But I won't stay discouraged...I cannot control how other folks think/act...I just can't. I can however do my best to try and get well...the prospects don't feel very good at the moment but I'll keep pluggin' away.
I was sober for 10 years, then one night, I got sick, really sick, . I remembered how to hug the porcelain god, and the smell of the thing, and how cool it felt, and how dirty it made me feel. Then it dawned on me… “I have the flu, I am sick” … “I have a reason to be here, and it is not self induced“ … I was grateful, and even more so when I got over the flu. It had been 10 years since I had “puked” and I almost forgot how the drill went, but my mind brought it all back to me in a flash… Heck, before I quit drinking, I had plenty of practice, usually about once or twice a month. I know Alcoholism is a Disease, just by looking at the things it made me do, and how sick it made me feel, and how quickly it can change how I think… When I was done, and got up, and I brushed my teeth, I did not have to rinse with a cold beer… As for feeling guilty about leaving a meeting early, or getting there late, it is none of my business what SOMEONE ELSE thinks of me… Thanks for the blog Thom…
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