Tuesday, March 1, 2011
I have written here before about the feeling of intensity that went hand/hand with a alcoholic/addiction controlled lifestyle. I felt totally free to do as I pleased on one hand and like I was completely trapped in a prison of my own making on the other. Not a nice, chippy, warm and fuzzy way to go through life now is it?!
Those two feelings completely contradict each other and that is exactly how it felt too...like I was a piece of human Taffy being constantly pushed, pulled and stretched beyond all reasonable feelings of normalcy.
That is exactly why balance, having some semblance of routine and balance in my life is so important. That also applies to alcoholics in recovery as well. Why it is so important when we first sober up to get a simple routine, taking care of the basic stuff in life, is so critical.
I realize that to most people reading, it is impossible to comprehend how a person can be so out of touch, so irresponsible, so seemingly focused on selfish, self-destructive behavior to live a life that requires such drastic measures to change it.
It is also just as important to realize that for every alcoholic/addict..there is a different story of downfall then surrender then ongoing recovery. Each of us has our own unique story of addiction, similar to others in a lot of ways yet no two are ever exactly the same.
Each of us is at a different place in our alcoholic/addictive downfall when we find recovery so their truly isn't one set of rules to this recovery life that apply to all of us. You can imagine how chaotic that can make everything feel...
I guess what I am trying to convey here that what I describe here on Shell Shock is My Story of addiction and daily recovery. My story is not the defining story of alcoholism/addiction...it is worse then some, not as bad as some others. I don't want any reader, especially if they are questioning if they or someone they know has a problem to think "Hey, I didn't go through the things that this guy did so I must be OK". Trust me it is very easy to justify why you DON"T have a problem, we've all done that. Some continue to live in that kind of denial right up to their death from alcoholism. That's a simple TRUTH...People die from this disease.
The general rule of thumb in determining if alcohol or drugs are a problem is this: If Drink or Drugs cause you problems, any problems at all...then they are a problem. Pretty simple right? Now that doesn't mean you are an alcoholic but it is a good place to start the process if you or someone else is concerned about that question.
If you and your spouse are constantly arguing over your drinking...it's just my opinion but I would say the drinking IS a problem then. Now in that case, back when I was drinking I would have thought that this is my WIFE's problem, not mine. Because she just doesn't like that I drink or understand that I need to drink once in a while to relax, etc....Hey, I pay my bills, I still go to work, blah, blah, blah. It is easy to rationalize and that is a classic alcoholic reaction to trouble: rationalize it away, blame it on any else but yourself. That is DENIAL, in action!
OK, well after the 3rd paragraph of this post, I completely diverted of the topic didn't I?! I have an annoying little habit of having multiple thoughts going on in my head at the same time and they often override good, common writing sense as they just did there..., er..sorry.
I was going to write about whether i still miss that intensity in my life and the answer is SURPRISE....a bit complicated. Sure there was something exciting in that chaos but it wasn't a good trade off. The uncertainty, the stress the pretending to be something I wasn't took too much of a toll on me to actually think about those times as anything less then hellish.
In closing this morning I just wanted to explain the picture i posted. Lets just call it Wishful Thinking...OK? We still have a lot of very COLD weather with ICE and SNOW everywhere. Typically I'm not one of those folks always complaining about the Winter but walking in the sand on an 83 degree afternoon at Holland State Park sounds delightful. I'm just saying....