I'm a loner...I reveled in that image. I am strong, independent....nobody f**king owns me, I do what I believe is right. Most people were "SHEEP", that was my hypocritical way of describing any one who belonged say to a church. Yea I was the proverbial POT calling the kettle black. I was a hypocrite, I was just as judgmental as the people I was accusing. My heart had begun to rot because of all the poisonous crap had had bombarded it with.
I was so sure that I was right...that I had everything figured out and I knew more then any of you...more then all of you put together. Oh man was I a train-wreck. I..plain and simple was wrong...I was wrong. People that followed the Lord weren't some kind of mindless entity that needed to be told how to live. They chose the Lord...like I chose him. Only I waited almost until it was too late.
Among the many things that I thought I knew about...friendship was one of those. Funny but in a lot of ways i had that all misconstrued as well. For all those years and all those people I thought were my friends...only two truly were. Today it is different. Much, much different...I am so fortunate to have people in my life that in all honest are the most caring and genuine I have ever met. I thought it was all a sham...Christians...again, I was wrong. I admit it.
I was looking at the religion, not the people who professed their Christianity. Just like anything, there is good and bad...people take advantage of religion and abuse the trust folks put in them. It happens all the time in charities and other areas of life. Christ lives in those that love him, I could not be more blessed this evening as I write this. I cannot tell anyone that they should do this or that. It isn't the way I feel it but for me...it was a life saving choice and I'm forever grateful for it...
I hated myself...not long ago that is the way I really felt. Even after years of sobriety and a much better life i still felt incomplete. I felt: "LESS THAN".....anything. Inadequate, stupid, bad, deranged, mistaken..yea, that's it I went through life still feeling like I was somehow a mistake. I was a mistake. Imagine feeling like a mistake...well I did.
Being saved really changed that, did it give me self-esteem like the shrinks always pushed for? "You need to build up your self-esteem...". Uh...no I didn't...I was already full of false pride, arrogance and an inability to admit I was wrong. I was deeply in need of humility. What becoming a Christian did and this happened before my very skeptical eyes, it gave me some thing even better. It didn't fill me with SELF-esteem...no, it filled me with the Holy Spirit and I realized then and there that without GOD I was NOTHING. With GOD, well I am no longer afraid...I have been re-born and I couldn't be more surprised...and grateful.