Grim Reaper Productions.net
E-gads do I ever have a load of crap going through my mind today. Life is fun, very interesting and incredibly busy for a person who is essentially retired on disability. It can be a challenge physically as well as emotionally being me, trust me! But I have really thrown myself into this writing and have found rewards far exceeding anything I ever would have dared dream about.
I guess the purpose of this post today is to kick a few ideas around about the general direction Shell Shock will probably take in the immediate future.
I still feel that there is a wealth of un-mined potential post material related to my recent and continuing exploration of forgiveness. And for those of you who perhaps haven't been reading lately or have just come to discover us here on SSS (Shell Shock Serenade) I am specifically talking about ME forgiving the bastards that assaulted and raped me when I was 12. Oh, did I mention that the subject matter for SSS is definitely for AO (Adults Only)...
It is an issue that has been hovering around me for a long, long time just out of sight and out of mind but always present, constantly THERE, staring, lurking and yes..mocking me to do something about it. For years I have not wanted to. yet lately the multiple layers of sh*t that I have used to hide and cover up those events have slowly been worn away exposing my vulnerability to this subject.
I have always understood in one way or another that to achieve true healing that I was going to have to find a way to forgive...simply to lighten my own emotional load. This issue is complex, I know readers are probably getting really tired of me writing that but it's true.
I had to look in the mirror recently and admit to myself that if I ran into the three of them again and I was armed, I could very easily shoot all three of them without much thought. Now does that sound like I'm feeling any forgiveness there?! Please don't judge me or get freaked out by my response, I was just trying to answer honestly and that was the conclusion I came up with. If the situation really came to pass I do not know if I would actually follow through on the threat or not but the fact that I have even THOUGHT disturbs me.
I am not a violent person, I am NOT a killer or some animal who has no conscience. I do not want to feel that way. I've been advised in therapy not too be too hard on myself. Because I did not deal with this and the emotional wreckage that went with it for the better part of 3 decades I am still angry at those 3 men. I still seek revenge, I want to make them pay for ripping my childhood away. I am also angry at them for making me feel so violent towards them today, nearly 36 years later...
But honestly I think I was more shocked and bothered that I was still so angry about it. I really had begun to feel that I had reached a place of acceptance...now I'm not so sure. I do believe that I am on the right track and I have to keep plugging away at this. By doing so I can slowly continue to heal and yea, even grow. I will not let me hard emotional feelings of today, sidetrack the progress that has already been made...
So It is safe to say that I will still be posting about forgiveness here on SS. My day to day recovery and the thoughts and feelings that go along with it will always be a continuing subject for posts here on the blog.
I still would like to continue to branch out and write about other subjects that interest me: sports, current news, history and perhaps travel. I also like to dabble a bit with some creative writing. very early in this blogs existence I started to write some brief short story/novel type stuff related to the Great War...
So I have no fear that I will run out of things to write about. I thank you for your patience this afternoon as I sort of thought out loud here on the blog. Plus I obviously had the wheels churning a bit about my continuing feelings about being raped. If I had to guess, I would say that you will most likely continue to see quite a few posts on that topic: Forgiveness. It's time for me to make some sort of peace with myself.
But one thing I keep in mind is that I want to try and spread out these various issues I am working on and not get too bogged down for a long time just regurgitating the same old stuff again and again. that is always a potential pitfall when going through a grieving, healing and recovering process. I don't want to get trapped and held down by my obsession with specific topics...
I will post a warning right here, if the subject of rape bothers you, Iwould think long and hard about reading those posts. Though I try to steer things away from being too graphic, I refuse to sugar coat the subject either...good night.
