By Thomas Andrew
Honestly I expected to feel different today. Why, you may ask? Because whenever I talk about being the victim of sexual assault I can't help it, I just do. I run through a whole list of reasons why I never should have brought it up here on Shell Shock. That it won't make any difference that I have...just a whole bunch of what I call Stinkin' Thinkin'! I'm just reinforcing the negative in my mind and it serves no useful purpose.
As strongly as I believe that I need to continue to discuss my recovery, not only from addiction and co-dependency but from rape I do get moments where I get weary of the subject. It can consume a person and it most certainly will if you let it. I also do not want to be defined by those things in my life that I struggled and continue to struggle with. I am in recovery and I will be until i die, God willing. But I am NOT a VICTIM. Please don't misunderstand..Yes, I was a victim of rape as a boy but I don't choose to be a permanent victim because of it.
And that is one of the pitfalls of having such an experience. I see it all the time: a person who has been in recovery for 18 years and they are behaving as if they just got sober, always looking for sympathy and acting just as selfish, irresponsible and sick as they day they quite drinking or using drugs. I want to heal as I live in recovery. I want to change because I did not like living that way. It wasn't just wanting to stop drinking, I wanted my life to change...I sought to live a different kind of life from what I had been living.
And the same thing goes for healing and recovery from sexual assault. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't want to feel wounded for the rest of my life. I know now that I cannot really escape the fact that it happened but again I don't have to let it define me as a person.
It is hard to do this at times, I get confused. I think that is one reason that so many people, myself included have sought spiritual guidance when we undertake such a journey. I really didn't want to turn into a God freak but at some point I knew there was some power in the universe and by seeking that power I found relief from my fear and anxiety about making these changes in my life. About taking the risk to share this story, face to face with people and here on the blog.
I think when I feel like I do today, I just need to take a step back and breathe: literally and figuratively...so I will after I finish this post. I recently have discovered there is serenity in silence...The Serenity Of Silence as it were. I think that is the moment when God chooses to speak, at least to me any way. He speaks in whispers and shadows, his message to me often rides in on the wind and that healing breeze will refreshen and sustain me when I begin to feel overwhelmed or perhaps over-loaded as I feel this morning.
When I sat down here at my desk 20 minutes ago I was wound up tight like a 3 day top. Interestingly, just the process of putting words to my thoughts and feelings then sharing them here on Shell Shock has released a great deal of that internal pressure. So often just sharing our troubles, concerns or questions can cut the internal stress by half and today it certainly has done that.
So with a little lighter load I bid you adieu until later..