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Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Toxic Sh*t Inside

I was reading a blog post or tweet (I can't recall but I think it was a tweet by Sunny) by someone who writes a blog that was mentioning something to the effect that due to the fact that they have been writing/posting more frequently, they feel "lighter" inside. Boy if that doesn't illustrate the main reason I continue writing here on Shell Shock.

Originally it was seemingly a burden to write about the subjects that I do here on the blog. I really thought it would be a chore to keep writing but continued to do it because some distant little whisper kept convincing me that ultimately it would be worthwhile to continue. It has been worthwhile and then some...

Certain memories, thoughts and feelings can really haunt a person. Held deep down inside they tend to fester. And as a result they can actually have the affect of emotionally poisoning a person so right off the bat, purging those memories out while writing had a most immediate positive affect on me. But once those memories, thoughts and feelings were out in the open, I simply had to do something about them. I was forced to, I just couldn't expose them and do nothing...that was the rub. And ultimately it was my saving grace because I was forced to deal, to cope, to learn to live with that toxic sh*t that was slowing but surely poisoning me to death emotionally and psychologically.

And so began this process of blogging that has had such a profoundly positive affect on me, my recovery from alcoholism and my healing from sexual assault. That doesn't not mean that there aren't difficult issues and obstacles to overcome when a person is living their recovery "live" in the public eye. There are obstacles, big ones at times but for me and I'm speaking for myself only now, the positives have out weighed the negatives.

There always is going to be a huge element of risk sharing personal information on the Internet. But I have found that people have been nothing but generous, understanding, respectful, helpful and genuinely caring about the subjects I write about and about me personally. I have received some poignant, thoughtful, helpful and touching feedback, even concerning my most uncomfortable and horrifying experiences. I have really been moved by the reaction and yes, helped a great deal by those people who have reached out to me because of something I've mentioned here on SSS.

I have written here before about the potential pitfalls of taking this public. First and foremost the potential problem I have to be the most diligent about is my own EGO. Humility and being/acting humble are very important aspects of recovery, as I have found they are in my own case. The moment someone tells me that I'm doing something good or I write well, etc., I am at risk of my EGO jumping in, my head blowing up like a gigantic, hot air balloon, then taking over and f**king up the whole thing. So it is important for me to stay grounded.

Frankly if I stay honest with myself it isn't that hard to keep things in perspective. My character defects are still alive and well these days so I know I have a great deal of work yet to do relating to growth, healing and emotional maturity.

I don't know today where this blogging, sharing and writing is going to lead. I already have a very fulfilling and active life in recovery and that is the work I enjoy: helping others. And writing has proven a good fit for me and it goes hand in hand with my recovery from alcoholism/addiction as well as my healing from rape/sexual assault. So I suspect they will continue to blend together in some form or fashion.

The original premise for writing Shell Shock Serenade was to document daily the ups and downs of living a life in recovery, one day at a time. I have worked hard to capture the events in my life: physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological as they happen. I still feel this is a viable and relevant premise for continuing this journey here on Shell Shock. I sure hope the reader agrees...

So I continue on my journey down the healing road. My commitment is to continue to open more doors, delve even deeper into what has happened to me then and what is happening in my life now. As well as dealing with those many things that relate to recovery and healing. No subject is exempt if it's relevant to living, healing and recovery..which in my mind now are all really the same exact thing....My LIFE.

In closing I will take a moment to encourage anyone reading this blog to please feel free to comment. Your comments, suggestions, stories, words of encouragement, etc., mean so much to me and they are one of the reasons I keep doing this.
I have had a regular group of readers who have commented regularly and I want to really say thank you to and let all of you know how very grateful I am for your love and support. Though I haven't met any of you in person, I can honestly call you friends for your caring and concerned comments and suggestions. Every one of you is a wonderful "blogger" in your own right and I will continue to read and appreciate your work as well.

Thank you everyone, Peace and Much Love to you all!

As I was writing this post this morning I was informed of the death of a long time family friend, Anita (NITA) Norris. I have know Mrs Norris and her husband Bob since I was a wee little lad, freaked out because "Uncle Bob" didn't have a legs from the knees down, he'd lost them to a Shue Mine in France in WWII. They have been a part of my entire life. So I dedicate this post today to:
Mrs. Anita (NITA) Norris

Goodbye Mrs Norris and may you rest in peace....