First it truly was the way I've felt about myself as long as I can remember. That I was somehow so different, so undesirable that I had become "Untouchable" in the eye's of society...I suppose I was born with this feeling. It was not a learned emotion, I was showered with love and affection as a child by my parents. I got plenty of attention and guidance growing up...
Secondly two of the subjects that are most often posted about on this blog, Addiction and Rape could both fit the description as Undesirable as well:
As for addiction/alcoholism, it is certainly more accepted today as a legitimate disease and subject that is treatable through continued and sustained abstinence. It does not have the terrible stigma that it carried with it for years and years but it is still misunderstood in our society today. Therefore people would rather not talk about it...
Rape, sexual assault, sexual child abuse...again there have been some change in society's willingness to discuss and educate itself on these subjects but mostly the subject of sexual abuse in all it's forms is still taboo. Especially when you are the victim of it in one of those forms just described...
People really don't want to hear about it and it's not because they are not compassionate or they don't care. I believe our society here in America does care but the details behind these words are just too horrific and unpleasant for most people to cope with them. Hey they were just as devastating to me as I learned about it at first. So it's awkward and usually the end result of the subject coming up is silence. Folks just don't know what to say...
That made it quite difficult for someone like me. As a result of major time in therapy and a lot of work at coming to grips with what happened to me, I desperately needed to talk about what happened and yet outside of therapy no one wanted to hear it. I have even been (nicely) chastised for bringing up the subject at inappropriate times or to someone who did not want to hear it. The problem with that is, there never is an appropriate time to talk about THAT subject and people generally don't want to hear it anyway.
And in my specific case, every time this type of situation has come up, I was with friends and family and either in my OWN home or in a quiet private conversation. It's not like we were with a group of strangers at a wedding reception or at the grocery store with people all around and I blurted it out without thinking....Nope I was home with people I had assumed cared about me and were interested in my well being. It was embarrassing to be confronted about it later, I didn't have a clue it had upset anyone..
Situations like that are traumatic, they hurt and it's impossible for those type of reactions to not contribute to that "untouchable" feeling most victims are experiencing already. It is isolating and I have stated many times here on THE SHOCK that isolation is a wicked enemy of my well being.
Don't get me wrong, I am not criticizing those folks for their reaction. This is a nasty, unpleasant subject and folks would rather ignore it and hope that it would go away. Unfortunately, for me and others who have experienced it, it never ever does. I'm sure it's a natural reaction to want to ignore it and I don't want people to pretend they are interested when they are not. But it's the way these situations are handled. Like it is something I just said that was inappropriate like a cuss word. "Can you please refrain from using that language, your upsetting me?!". Like it's really a choice...For me anyway, it is denying who I really am.
I don't want to make this sound like I'm just whining. I was silent on this subject for DECADES, holding those thoughts and feelings about that experience in all those years damaged me a great deal. I know this is my cross to bear, I don't assume or expect others to help me carry me through, they couldn't if they wanted too. I also realize that I've made mistakes as I have tried to negotiate my way through the peaks and valley's of healing. But I am sensitive and respect the needs of others. I just don't always see that sensitivity and respect reciprocated, I guess that is what I'm saying here...
Ultimately I suppose I'm posting this today simply to communicate what happens at times. maybe some people will realize they can't always know what the right thing to do is.And that's OK, we are all in this big boat called life together. I try to become more accepting, understanding and helpful towards others each and every day. It isn't easy but it's a worthy endeavor so I keep plugging away.
What are you, my dear reader doing to be more understanding to your "neighbor" today?
