Any one who has read this blog now knows that part of the recovery and healing process for me included learning and accepting that I was actually worthwhile. I wasn't a bad person, I had some positive qualities, etc. Over time that has continued and I have gotten some of my swagger back....I got my groove on again so to speak. Translation: I now have confidence that I can do things like...write for example.
As I look back on the time when I started posting here on the Shock, I can't imagine what I was thinking...I really had no real idea I could write and sustain a blog and initially that proved accurate. My posts were quite scattered and often weeks even months went by between them. But at some point I remember realizing that the blog was really a perfect tool for expressing myself, sharing and also keeping myself honest. If I publicly was making a commitment here on the Internet to share then the posts themselves and the readers as well would be part of the accountability package for this aspect of my life and recovery (which today I really don't distinguish, they are One). Accountability is critical for sustained recovery...
I then had to really realize what I was actually planning on doing... That doing this would mean sharing my deepest personal thoughts/feelings plus my everyday life for the entire world to access if they so chose. And then I had to accept that fact and make the commitment to proceed...In all honesty it wasn't as difficult or traumatic as I thought it was going to be. It felt somewhat natural. Today I truly believe that it was meant to be, that this was what I really had to do to take the next step in my life to prosper, recover, heal and grow. In other words: To Live...
That brings me to the place I am today...what's next or what's now?! And I don't really know the answer to that question. I have no intention of stopping the blog, I just don't know where else I will go in my life today. Recently I have made an even stronger commitment to Shell Shock serenade in opening up more about the sexual abuse aspect of my life and other areas as well.
I have made some initial inquiries to people I know who are children of alcoholic/addicts to guest post and that is something I really want to pursue. I've pretty much struck out at this point though I do have one tentative commitment for a post sometime in the future but I would really like to get that point of view represented here as soon as possible. Why? Because I have really represented the addicts point of view (mine) and though I freely admit to the emotional chaos, wreckage and emotional damage I brought on to friends and especially family, It's not truly represented until those folks share their stories. I believe it will provide an essential balance to the the blog to also include that aspect of addiction. Those folks often truly are the ones who suffer and more often then not, they do it in silence...
I understand the reluctance on their part to "go there", to re-live that awful part of their lives. So many people feel once their addict cleans up that "the nightmare is over" and they want to push it into the past and forget that it ever happened. I get that, it sucked, it hurt and why would someone want to intentionality dredge that sh*t back up again? Some members of my family want to protect me from "their" truth, being concerned that if they really told the truth I would get hurt and upset. It's admirable but as I mentioned to one of those folks the other day, if they have read the blog (and they have) they should know I'm much harder on myself then they'll ever be. Which they acknowledged was true.
I think it will happen but it needs to happen in it's own time. I know that pushing anyone to talk about this subject is counter-productive...it has to come on it's own to truly be worthwhile, in my opinion.
I will say that I am open to accepting any guest post from children, spouses, family members or friends of addict/alcoholics...if you would like to submit a potential post, you can email me at www. thormoo1016@gmail.com.
Other then continuing the blog and branching out to be more inclusive I have once again given some thought to writing. Do I try and put a memoir together? Would there even be interest since this blog is not really heavily read? Do I try my hand at writing fiction though it is a genre that I typically don't even care for myself!? I don't know, I really don't.
Away from writing and the Internet I have become increasingly involved in working with various groups in recovery, spiritual study and a planned volunteer program at a local nursing home to read to residents who can no longer do so themselves. This is probably the thing that excites me the most because I love interacting with my elders...I just always have. That program is kicking off this Friday...
So perhaps I already have enough going on and don't really need to e thinking about something more to do...I'll have to play it by hear I suppose. So that is sort of where I am and where I'm thinking of going right now. It could change this afternoon but i'll keep an open mind and an open heart and I'll see where that might lead me.
OK, bring on Tuesday...
