I've been up and going about my day for almost 4 hours now and it isn't quite 7a yet. I'm not sure why, I just could not get settled down inside enough to rest. So after reading for a couple of hours I got out of bed at 3a and did something only I would do...I spot-mopped the kitchen floor! It was driving me crazy and though I am supposed to be taking it easy still after surgery I couldn't resist. Plus I figured it might tire me out so I could sleep. No such luck...
So I got the newspaper around 4:30a (thankfully it is usually here by then) and started my morning routine. As crazy as all of that sounds I actually like being up at that time of day. I have always felt more productive early in the morning and so i did this morning as well.
I have a feeling that the emotional upheaval taking place inside of me is directly related to this whole topic of forgiveness and it is the responsible Party for some of this sleeplessness. It is typical of me, when processing "heavy" emotional Sh*t to really live with IT 24/7.
And that's OK because now I realize this is a pattern of process for me and it works. When I first started in recovery I knew nothing about any of this stuff. I had never dealt or even really thought about my emotions and then all this weird stuff started going on inside of me. It really threw me for a loop back in those days.
Still, this catharsis that is taking place not without it's trauma...but I will accept that as the nominal toll one must pay for their Journey On the Forgiveness Freeway. It's indeed a small price to pay if the end result is FREEDOM.
Freedom from the anger and hate I feel built up so deeply inside of me. Freedom from the fear that this nightmare will last for all eternity and I'll never be free of it. Freedom from the guilt that I could have possibly done something more to defend myself, that I didn't FIGHT hard enough. Freedom from the nagging notion that I DESERVED what I got. So I gaze down this road with an anticipation of hope...that there is, 30 odd years later...life after Rape.
