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Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Melancholy Charade

Ansel Adams

Just for today I feel like changing the title of this blog to: The Melancholy Charade or perhaps the: Un-Enthused Participant or the: Lethargic Life Chronicles....I don't know. Get the idea here that I am lacking motivation and just a tad shy in the energy department. Yep, oh yea...that I certainly am.

I have mentioned before that I sometimes have days where I miss the chaotic madness of my addiction days. Now before you jump to the conclusion that I have completely lost my mind, keep in mind that when I get like this I am in full Selective Memory Mode (SMM). This means I am only remembering the so-called "good times" and conveniently forgetting the pain, heartache and madness of the rest.
Ansel Adams

Honestly I don't get alarmed when I experience days like these...I used to! I mean they would freak me out because I was certain that I was going to relapse and there wasn't anything I could do to prevent it. Now I realize that I am just feeling a bit of sadness for the life I lost because it wasn't all bad. I destroyed relationships and had a lifestyle that I will admit is still a bit attractive to me today. I traveled and had the ability to do some things that I simply cannot afford to do today. I suppose you could say I'm feeling a little sorry for myself and perhaps a bit bored as well.

But I have had moments like these before and they pass rather quickly. If I just take a minute to stop and ask myself what I'm thankful for these days then I immediately realize that I am quite fortunate to have the kind of life that I have. I'm lucky to be alive and the truth is that the moment I would take a drink I unleash the potential for disaster. It may not occur immediately but I have seen it before...Just like Craig Ferguson talks about in the video I posted yesterday: I don't have a drinking problem..I have a thinking problem. It isn't the booze, it's what happens to me, my thinking and my behavior after I drink it. I still think his explanation of his alcoholism is one of the best, it really hit close to home for me.

That is why I know that what I am experiencing today is just my disease of alcoholism Mind F**king me. It toys with a person. There is a saying that goes around in recovery circles that talks about this kind of thing. When The American Medical Association defined alcoholism a disease it also went and defined certain characteristics of it. One of them being that it is what's called a "progressive" disease. What that means is that even though it has been nearly 5 years since I have had a drink, my alcoholism continues to progress (get worse) so that if I would ever drink again, it will pick up not where I left off, nope. It will pick up as if I had been drinking that entire time.

So in recovery circles we freely admit that our disease's sole goal is to kill us and we acknowledge that IT (our disease) is out in the parking lot doing push-ups, just waiting for us to let our guard down so it can pounce. And by letting our guard down I am talking about taking that first drink. Once I put booze in my system, all bets are off. I can longer predict what I am going to do. I may be dead in a week or it may take years but sooner or later I will kill myself...or somebody else, probably behind the wheel of a car.

So I don't fall for it. If I'm a little bored with my life be it. I still have a lot of fun. I need to realize that I am thinking about a past life that really didn't exist the way I'm remembering it. I need to remember the loneliness, the fear, the anger and heartache. The desperation followed by absolute that was what my drinking life was REALLY like. If I was having such a great time back then, why did I try to kill myself, huh!? Case closed...

I am now going to get ready to head into town for the Celebrate Recovery (CR) Meeting which is just the kind of thing I need to get my mind focused on more positive things. I have learned that is I'm feeling down or sorry for myself then I need to be focused on doing something for someone else and get out of the prison like confines of my own that is what I'm gonna do...until next time, See Ya!