Vincent Van Gogh
Why am I the human version of the moth drawn so intently to the freaking flame? I have often wondered if I have some strange, sub-conscious perception that if I am not hurting, then I am not not living. It is like I know I'm alive if I feel pain. Why in the world would anyone need that kind of validation?! Am I insane?! I mean it, where does that come from?
Perhaps, I know...
During the last years of my active addiction/alcoholism, I slowly stopped feeling anything at at...except PAIN. It was all I knew. I became so detached, so NUMB, withdrawn and lost that the only way I could feel alive was to focus on the hurt. There was pain a-plenty in my world at that time. I could understand it..pain I could comprehend...it became as vital to me as my pulse was to the EMT's that rescued me.
Vincent Van Gogh
I do not like to admit this but I hated myself so much that I began to inflict physical pain on myself. Example? Yea, I got one...the only reason I tell this story is to give credence to the fact that when an addict/alcoholic is in the throes of their addiction, Insanity is alive and well inside the mind and acted out in the behavior of the alcoholic/addict. It's not a cop-out, it's our reality.
In that last year Cocaine was my main drug but I was taking scores of other "prescription" drugs as well, usually pain meds and downers to counter-act the effects of the coke. Of course I was drinking all the time as well. The scripts were easy to get because I was badly injured in an accident years ago and have a bad back, bad feet, knees, hips..you name it.
I had recently had surgery on my right foot and big toe to repair bones that kept fracturing while I walked. When I got low on drugs or needed a fix, I would take the healed right toe and break it in half. Then I'd go to the hospital and said I think I broke my toe. I did this a half dozen times or more. I also began to enjoy the incredible pain involved in re-breaking that re-built toe.
I once broke it in the bathroom of the hospital because I was in such a desperate hurry to get drugs I went there without thinking about it. I realized, I'd forgotten to break the toe so I quickly found a toilet, clenched my teeth and CRACK,CRUNCH, CRACK..2 hours later it was 120 Oxycontin's if you please. It was sick, yea even insane but it worked...over and over again. The end result was I re-broke that toe so many times that it wouldn't heal together anymore. So I had to have the big toe on my right foot amputated..another in a long list of casualties of my alcoholism/addiction.
I validated my existence by the pain I felt and later inflicted upon myself. When I have written here in the past that I feel separated, even completely detached from THAT guy who was ME during my active addiction, this was why. I can not relate, not even a little bit to wanting to hurt myself like that anymore..even when I'm not very happy with myself!
It's strange though, even now when I listen to another recovering addict/alcoholic talk about feeling that same way about themselves or doing similar things, then I can recall what I felt like at that time. How disgusted I was with myself. I much I hated ME...
I think that is one reason I feel so much compassion today for others who are hurting. I do know what it's like, it's not an act, I can feel those feelings like they were happening this very moment. But I haven't the slightest inclination to do that kind of stuff today. I care about myself today, I love myself and my fellows. I do not like to see people hurting, especially if i might be able to do something to help...
It really moves me, nearly to tears when a person is talking about how they can't even look at themselves in the mirror without feeling like they are going to puke. That was me, too...Often when I start to feel like creating chaos and those old feelings start to shake themselves alive, I just think about how much I hated myself and the weirdly exciting yet sick, pain driven lifestyle not only isn't appealing to me any more, I can't even begin to relate to it today. So I've put that fellow away forever...
