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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Why So HEAVY, Man?!

One would think that after almost 5 years in recovery that I would get a little bit of a chance to coast, breathe...perhaps catch my breath just a wee, little bit. But NOOO, I'm keep opening up doors to the heavy duty stuff. I'm shoveling that heavy sh*t every single day it seems with out a break. And most of it then gets written about it here on Shell Shock Serenade...

I've been asked if I get sick of writing/talking about such heavy stuff all the time. Isn't it bound to bring me down, doesn't it feel really negative? Those are legitimate questions and I've thought about those and other similar subjects myself...

For me, and I think that is key because each person is unique, I find it enlightening, uplifting and generally a positive thing when I can keep digging deep, discovering new things and sharing them. I can see where some people would find it difficult to do that but for me, it works out really well. I get into a BAD place when I stop digging out the pain, resentment, anger, etc...because for me, it will just sit inside, then begin to rumble and gurgle like hot lava under the surface of a volcano. If I don't release the pressure, almost DAILY...I will most certainly explode. I know, it has happened and it isn't a pretty sight!

So what appears to be me constantly sifting through and obsessing on the negative actually allows me to let the positive feelings inside of me to reach the surface. I don't recommend this way or "my way" to anyone, it is just that: a way that I have discovered through much practice over time that works really well for me.

It is part of my daily function that creates and maintains that balance I've blogged about before. And that balance is absolutely critical to me in my recovery and to maintain a healthy attitude as well. I know at first glance it seems impossible to have "balance" in one's life when I'm constantly digging, searching, unraveling the tough, painful experiences, behaviors and feelings in my life that created so much difficulty for me in the past and to some extent still today...yet that is what works for me.

And it really does work, though even I was initially concerned that perhaps I was "focusing on the negative" too much I eventually realized that I need to continually keep cleaning that stuff out for me to heal and recover. Initially I was dealing solely with the wreckage from my addiction but now all the other aspects of my life are coming more into focus.

Not just the big stuff like addiction, rape or co-dependency but all the painful, hurtful confusing things from my childhood right up until today. I've learned that the sooner I deal with something, the better. Because life goes on and I'm still making mistakes...I find it is helpful to review each day as it has happened to "nip" any potential hurt, resentment or issue in the bud to prevent it from becoming something major in the future.

So for me, focusing on the negative so I can dig it out, drag that poisonous crap out into the sunlight of the day and work through it actually creates a positive experience. And doing this in a regular and routine fashion, always trying to stay focused, humble and honest, creates the balance I require to live a healthy and active life, not only physically but emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.

If I can start there and continue daily to work that type of plan into my daily life/lifestyle, then I am well on my way to the kind of healthy and complete life that I actually enjoy living...