Photo By Kevin day
I think of those who are lonely, who live in constant fear, whatever their demons and despair may be. I feel so connected now to any and all that hurt in this world and because I do I feel a responsibility to reach out. It's a heavy responsibility yet I feel fortunate that I am capable of doing it...
It was strange but my initial reaction to recovery, to a suicide attempt during the weeks and months that followed was to be pretty much numb to the plight or emotion of others. I believe now that I was simply in shock. It wasn't until I started to get better, to literally make changes in the way that I lived that I began to sense the plight of others. Spiritual things then began to matter more to me as did relationships.
I was seeking out those who were new to recovery and doing my best to share my story, my strength and hope that even though things look hopeless now, it will get better if you hang in there and just keep plugging away.
I now feel like I have crossed some unseen threshold of the heart, I feel so moved by the hurts and painful experiences of others. The same young man I refereed to yesterday, who has been sober for a week was again lamenting on his difficulty just staying sober. He went on to say how hard it is but how badly he still wants to stay sober. The problem is that he just can't picture it right now with the temptation and the urge to drink being so overpowering at this time. He is too new to realize it but he is on his way...he feels like it's hopeless but he now has been sober 8 whole days. A "miracle" in his own words....
What an amazingly powerful sight to see fellow recovering addicts/alcoholics flocking to support this fellow, for we have ALL been where he is right now. And I mean all of us...I just cannot describe the power that there is when a group of people who have endured the same experience of hardship, heartache and pain come together to help each other. Every single one of us has felt the loneliness, the fear , resentment and the anger leading to outright despair. Begging God, if he exists to take our lives because we just can't handle the thought of continuing on. To this day I remember exactly how I felt, it literally sends a chill up my spine....
It truly was leaning on those kind of people that saved my life and will continue to help people save their own lives in the future. I used to feel that the world and the human beings that occupied it were worthless, that it was all bad...boy was I ever wrong. There really is a positive spiritual force living and breathing out there. I choose to believe that it's my Creator who lives and speaks through others. Especially when I was first sober I simply would not listen to anyone who had not had the same experiences as me. I was so mis-trustful, so full of fear and because of that fear I built walls....
When those walls built of fear and mistrust came down, I could instantly see and feel hope, like the light of a thousand Suns burning bright all over the earth and I felt so relieved. And the process of recovery and healing that has followed continues to fill me full of strength and hope to the degree that I must pass it on to others. It truly is a sacred responsibility.
I apologize, my heart and mind are so full of gratitude tonight that I may run the risk of not making any sense. I sure hope that isn't the case...I just feel the desire to share what I'm feeling and pass it along.
My wish this evening is that all who need it may find the hope that they deserve...
