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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Is This Real?

Yikes, I am starting to believe the hype. I should, I suppose since I'm the one actually living the so-called hype! Life is good? You've got to be kidding me?~! Since when I have I ever lived without angst...At least without angst controlling the whole show that is ME. No faking, no drama, NO CHAOS, holy sh*t! I am starting to think just perhaps, a big MAYBE, maybe that this is one elaborate made up fantasy, that deep inside I'm really so lost, so freaking miserable that I have withdrawn into Mr Rogers world of Make believe!
Mr Rogers (Fred Rogers)

Yet I really am happy, at least some of the time...Content too, Holy Cow! When have I ever felt serenity, been satisfied with my life and enjoyed what I was, like NEVER! I'm beginning to believe it could be aliens in fact, that have floated down here to earth in one of their mind blowing space ships and kidnapped the real ME and replaced him with some sort of happy (this one even smiles at times!) clone replacement thormoo. He is just too nice, friendly, E-Gads...Helpful even...surely he must be a fake!

I don't mean to sound ungrateful..I would like to believe this is really happening. It is just such a contrast with the old life that I am having a bit of difficulty buying that it is indeed...real.

And so it is..real. And I am simply being truthful when I say that I am more surprised then anyone that it is possible to go from the life that I was living: so full of despair, hopelessness and fear, to a life where trying to live for others is a main daily goal. I wish I could claim credit for such a change but my only contribution was to will myself into so much trouble, so much pain and hopelessness that I tried to die..and failed. In doing that, I finally was in a place where I could surrender my self will and give up.

That was when the unbelievable began to happen...