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Monday, May 30, 2011

Learn Leisure?

I do get tired of hurting all the time....I try not to think about it. Try to keep it to myself but sometimes it's doing the little things that bother me the most.

Walking for example, can be a complicated process by the nerve damage in my legs and feet. Believe it or not, sneezing can be one profoundly painful experience on a bad day, it feels like I'm breaking in half at the waist. The back will feel like shattered glass for awhile afterward. It is frustrating because very little of this is visible to other people so even though I can feel it, I start to doubt whether i may be in fact over-reacting a bit.

Sitting is difficult so there are days where i'll rarely sir...unless I have to drive some where or sit on the toilet. Yep, sitting on the John can be the worst part...I've had it where I couldn't get up on my own and i wasn't in a handi-cap toilet with the big handle on the wall for just such a purpose. ever wander what that big railing is for in the stall? Now you know, feel enlightened! I bet you do...

One of my bigger difficulties when dealing with my physical issues is taking time off...for example today I forced myself to stay home when I really wanted to go into town. I was so whipped, sore and tired that i finally just laid down and let myself rest. I'm really bed because deep down it seems like I feel compelled to keep busy even when it isn't necessary.

I don't know if this is just a personality quirk or an attention deficit, anal retentive type thing but if there are say ten little things I need to do in the next 10 days I will start doing them right now and not stop until they are finished. It is like i can't relax until they are scratched off my list. I feel an incredible internal pressure to finishn and I was also like this (even worse I think) back when I was drinking & drugging.

I have chilled out some but to this day, I still feel that compulsion deep inside me to keep doing whatever it is i'm doing, until every task is complete.Today I just said nope and took a little later on I did a bunch of stuff but it was different though. I was rested and I felt like it but I do not know what the origin of that compulsion (and I have NO doubt it is a compulsive desire to go, go, go) is but I think I have always had it, at least since I was a teenager.

So trying to teach myself to RELAX has been somewhat comical at times but I don't think I'll have feel truly balanced in my life until I am settled down a bit more and understand that some things can indeed wait until later. It's like I have an irrational fear pf procrastination...

Well now that I've caught my breath a bit, I think I'm headed out for a walk, then a shower, grill burgers and close the outdoor activity portion of my day with a boat ride (unless I golf a bit more). The it's Gettysburg at 9p on the History Channel!