THE Daily Struggle

Getting to a place, deep inside myself where only  the most painful emotions lie and prying open that door then keeping it open, is my continuing challenge as a human being who struggles to cope and heal from the events and their memories that created such wounds in the first place. I'm not entirely clear how it was that I determined that this was indeed the course that I needed to pursue but initial results confirm for me that it most certainly is effective in helping me heal...

Of course I didn't consider such things when I started Shell Shock. No I really think I just had the idea that it would be a good way to vent, to clear out some of the built up baggage inside... and perhaps it would benefit some folks who struggled with addiction in the process. Remember in the early days of the blog, all I wrote about was addiction because I wasn't publicly writing about the rape yet.

Things have really progressed in the couple of years since I started Shell Shock Serenade and ultimately in recovery/healing, that is how you measure success or progress: Continually improving. If you are continuing to improve...well it doesn't get any better then that...Just keep getting better, even a little bit at a time is OK but the important thing is to just keep moving forward.

So things have progressed from just being able to "vent" some, to share and hope that at the same time it may help some one at the same time to striving daily to keep that "portal to God" open at all times and let HIS light continually shine through. WOW, who woulda thunk it, eh? You have to remember that just a year ago I was still in a very distant place when it came to God. And I rarely would ever even write about it here because I was still so uncertain, so intimidated by the subject of God and yes still even a little bit angry at him.

I cannot even begin to explain how this has happened...it is way beyond my ability to comprehend. It really is one of those things that will always get filed under "It is a God Thing" and it is...

All I can do really is accept that this is indeed REAL, very real and continue to push forward, to keep accepting the challenge daily to be open to His calling regardless of the difficulty or hardship involved. Luke...the physician who wrote the Gospel in the Bible by the same name, really laid it out quite clearly for us in Chapter 9 verse 23: 

"And he said to all 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me'" And this really is the verse that made all the difference for me. It just made sense with everything that I had been through...God wasn't promising that life would be easy but hey, I already KNEW that it wasn't easy.

No he was telling it like it is and that is what finally clicked for me. I wanted desperately to FOLLOW Him, even though I knew that meant some more challenges on the horizon, some quite painful but I trust that he will provide. And he has.... 


(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)