Sunday, November 13, 2011
Soul Sickness- A House Of Cards Collapsed.
Emotions often come to me like waves rolling into shore on Lake Michigan or the Gulf of Mexico. Not crashing in like they do on the Pacific Coast of Northern California...No, they aren't quite THAT forceful, carrying with them so much obvious INTENT...but 'tis close...quite close, actually...the differences are subtle but significant.
A perplexed crinkle, an up-turned lip...a knowing glance, a reciprocated smile... Hmm...recognition? Perhaps it is...but No! No not now! Wouldn't you know...nature calls as it always calls...an issue I seemingly will always need to address. Ach...
But there was and is a familiarity with these emotions...as the rush in toward a distant shore...I recognize them all...they are mostly friendly, I suppose I'd agree...at least most of them are now, anyway. And NO...that was NOT always the case with my emotions.
First I was fearful of them...that is how I determined it was better to avoid them all together...I could just ignore 'em, push them aside. Yet that obviously did not work for long. Certainly not after age 12 and the emotional catastrophe of rape. Those emotions were Tsunami-like in their shocking surprise and sheer chaotic intensity...they threatened to carry away my very SOUL...pieces of it are still missing I action, I'm afraid. Scattered to the far corners of what is sanity...and what is insane.
I needed something much more powerful to help with emotions such as THESE...That is where and when I recognized the power of self-imposed OBLIVION via drink (VODKA Therapy)...I could choose to apply such oblivion when I WANTED to...I could control it much like a physician prescribes medication...I prescribed drink and eventually drugs to make my emotions "tolerable" again. The ability to"control" was merely an illusion, a BOLD FACED LIE actually...but I discovered this much, much later....when it was far to late to change it...I was first destined to live out the LIE.
I did know at an early age, that these emotions I was experiencing were NOT my friends, left to their own devices because I did not know what to do with them. They were secretly, ever so subtly overwhelming me, chipping away at the interior layers of my soul, deteriorating my emotional-psychological foundation from the inside out.
Given their own way, unchecked...that foundation would weaken to the point that I would collapse from the inside/out, like a house of cards...all JOKERS as it were. The emotional, psychological joke was surely on me. I knew SOMETHING was broken, that something was certainly askew and it was unbalancing me yet I was clueless...completely powerless to do anything at all to change it.
So I did the only thing I knew how to do well at that point in my life....I attempted to drink myself to death. And I came SO freaking close..to succeeding.