Another early morning start that wasn't planned..it is just part of being me. I never really get used to the 1:30a wake ups but I do enjoy the quiet solitude that one gets from being alone at this hour to meditate and pray.
I find it fascinating that I can spend so much time alone now after hating myself so much. And quite honestly that wasn't all that long ago that I felt that way. I still remember it well...It was a terrible way to feel about one's self but that is the way it was. I also remember well the feeling of revulsion I had when I happened to see my own reflection in a mirror.
I'm not saying that has all gone away now because I do struggle with self-self esteem and self-image...I probably always will. But I am better then I was...I know now that I am not responsible for all the worlds problems and when I do make a mistake I realize I am not perfect nor do I have to be. I just have to be myself and do the best I can.
It has been during these periods of enforced, prolonged solitude that I really have grown closer to GOD and learned to trust HIM above all us. NOT an easy task for this control freak but one I am getting better and better at it.
Well I am going to close for now...I'm sure there are more posts in me and we'll save those for a later time.
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