Today...I know in my heart that I am not alone but during my active alcoholism, I was convinced that there was NOBODY else with me, that I was unlovable, untouchable and totally and completely ALONE... It was a lie...GOD never abandoned me, even though I had essentially turned my back on HIM.
I find it quite hard to describe to people who haven't experienced that degree of loneliness what it is like to feel forsaken, to really believe, with all your heart that nobody cares. I feel quite odd right now just thinking about it. True hopelessness felt so final...like a death sentence.
But I've discovered everything is possible of course, if only you believe in HIM...I know, what a load of crap that sounds like but it really ended up being true for me.
I think part of me, a rather big part of me as it turned out...actually wanted to fail at life, wanted to be this martyr to nothingness. I was the Emperor Of NOTHING (Que the echo-ee deep, God Of Thunder Voice!) It was not sane thinking at all but I'm convinced that I was certain that NOTHING was ever going to get better for me.
I clearly remember when things started to lighten up in my life...to really get better on a daily basis that I literally thought to myself: "OK,I can believe things can change and get better for me but please don't let the ONLY answer to my problems be GOD".
I was SO prejudiced in my mind and heart against God and Christians that I was willing to risk never getting better if believing in GOD was the only answer to my problem! That is right, I was basically saying that if GOD is the only answer then I'll pass, thank you!
I'm NOT kidding that is the way I actually felt...I didn't want those hypocritical Christians to be right and I would rather die then have them be right...how freaking SICK was that!? Please Dear Reader, Do fall for that trap. All you really have to do is be open minded and WILLING...if you come to the table WILLING...HE may just surprise you, like he did me!
(PHOTO Kathy Tomson)
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