SORROW-I'm Only Weeping

I just returned to the house after walking in the rain for the last half an hour....it was a rather hard and steady rain so I used my umbrella, which I adore. I know, it  probably sounds odd to "adore" one's umbrella but I do, we are very close, the two of us. Oddly, I'm not even British and I feel this way but there is something that has always endeared me to the functional tools of every day living like an umbrella, a good pair of sunglasses, a standard black wool over-coat and black leather dress gloves. 


God knows where I developed this heightened sense of appreciation for these everyday "tools" yet I have and they become even MORE important to me as I get older!


So I'm walking in a cold, steady rain...thinking of trying not to think about the pain that I am in but failing miserably of course. It is a part of my life, pain is and I shall never again know what it's like to be without it....but hey, there is no sense in feeling sorry for myself about it...such is my life. It tends to make me stronger and more sensitive to the suffering of others so I must look on it as a blessing...which it is.


It is one of those periods I experience in my life when I feel or start to feel detached or separated from other members of the human race. This includes, first and foremost those folks I am close to including in my life...K-Sue. It is as if the pain, the sorrow, the distraction of those things drives a real wedge between me and other living, breathing things. I have no clue how to make it go away...but it just does...eventually.


So tonight I hear the hard rain fall again in my thoughts and feel the wet, cold chill of separation of the soul from the thinking part of my being and I wonder once again: am I dying? Is this what dying feels like to DIE? Does it start with a "knowing" separation of the thinking from the feeling side of one's being? I suspect that it might...


Long time readers will know that I once felt I'd experienced that sensation for real and if pushed on the subject I would have to say today that I have seen nor heard nor felt ANYTHING that would make me change that opinion. I still am convinced I took three long hot days to die in the hot early summer sun, 1-3 July, 1916 near Beaumont-Hamel, France...Not sure why that notion has just popped into my post this evening but it is on my mind...honestly it is ALWAYS somewhere there on my mind. 


Anyway I am not currently in a very good place physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.....I am physically hurting a great deal, my blood pressure is high and I have very swollen feet and a fever. I am not my usually optimistic self this evening though I may be getting "dosed" by a certain familiar  BLACK DOG that takes great pleasure in my misery. Who knows...I didn't feel the Depression coming on but it certainly feels like that is what's happening to me right now,


I want to feel hopeful in the hands of GOD...I do, I really do but that isn't the way I am feeling at this moment but my nature tends to believe the dark side over the LIGHT. Oh my, oh my...


(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)