I MUST Change...

It STILL happens to me...and in my opinion it really shouldn't at this point in my life and it is basically my fault that it does. I keep trying to take back control of my life and the affect of my doing so is almost immediately NEGATIVE. So why in the world do I keep stumbling over MYSELF here when I know better? Because I do know better...I have myself all twisted up emotionally to the point that I am feeling very unsettled. These type of feelings often result in my feeling very alienated and detached....all of those things are a very bad sign for this recovering addict. I am NOT in a good place today. But all is not lost...it's not all bad because there is one major difference between what is going on with me today and what has gone on with me in the past: Today I KNOW where I'm at, I know that I am feeling unsettled, alienated and detached and I know this is a BAD place for me to be. And because I "know" these things that I just listed above...there is a great opportunity to turn this currently "negative" situation into something really positive...

And that truly is a major difference...Having "bad" days, running into difficulty and feeling poorly are things that happen in life...those type of things are always going to be present  in our lives. The fact of the matter is that I cannot control that and make those kind of things just go away. No...the truly critical thing here is how I react to those kind of challenges when they DO happen. That is within the realm of the possible today...with God's help of course.

So I realize though I am am feeling "less then good"  this morning I know that it will pass if I fall back into my daily routine and stop trying to control people, places or things. Now my health is another matter all together and I think I have been in denial a bit about how serious things are right now. And as K-Sue has repeatedly pointed out the last few days...I need to see my doctor and I need to just stop what I am doing and rest. 

I let myself get totally exhausted to the point that I had made myself sick. I am going to cancel the plans I have for this morning and go back to bed until my appointment at 2p. That is NOT a typical reaction for me...NO...usually I would get a couple hours sleep like I have, start to feel a little bit better and then start back at it like nothing has changed. It isn't easy for me to put myself near the top of the priority list these days. I have gotten so used to denying myself and my needs that now I often do it when I shouldn't. And this is one of those times...

Perhaps we'll chat MDR, after several hours of sleep. See you then....


{PHOTO: Kathy Tomson}