I never wanted to be a man on a 'mission" so to speak. I never felt "destined" really for anything. For the longest period of time life was just a matter of getting by that morphed into a game of survival and ultimately became the terrifyingly long and painful horror show that marked the last 18 months of my active addiction/alcoholism. It had become a sheer battle of will, a conflict between good/evil...life/death...and the odd aspect of that is all along I played BOTH sides!
I fought tooth and nail to stay alive...doing incredibly dangerous things to stay alive and to keep from getting too sick or over dosing, drug addiction was a full-time, 24/7 day a week job....yet I mocked death with my attitude and behavior every single day.
I'm going to stop right here and do something a bit different. People will often comment and ask me what I mean when I make statements like: I do incredibly dumb, dangerous or stupid things, etc. etc. Here is but one example of many of the incredibly insane things a junkie does to stay high...to keep from slipping into severe withdraw symptoms, to keep the "hell-hound" off his tail...A U2 song title accurately described the feeling, at least as far as I'm concerned: Running To Stand Still
And that my Non-Addict friends perfectly describes what it is like trying to keep up with the monster that is addiction...
In the last year of my active addiction, Kim and I went to Florida.. we did not have enough drugs to really make that trip, primarily because I did not have a Cocaine connection down there and we were doing a boat-load of coke every day. So we kept running out of the prescription pain pills we were taking to supplement our habit. It is a scary thing for two addicts to be a 1000 miles from home and running out of drugs...things didn't look very good for us...Then it occurred to me...I can brake my toe! No Worries :-)
I had several surgeries on my right foot including re-building the foot and big toe. So what I would do when we ran out narcotics is take that big toe on my right foot and snap it in two with my hands...I'd break the fusion the surgeon had done to put the toe back together. Then go into a local hospital ER and tell them I stumbled and stubbed that toe. They x-rayed it, and told me it was severely broken and had given me a pain prescription for Oxy-Contin. I did this 4 separate times while we were there...as a matter of fact...I re-broke that toe so many times that it would no longer heal so 7 months after this trip, the surgeon amputated my right toe...I didn't even blink because I could have cared LESS! Such is addiction, eh?!
Not sure why I felt compelled to share that but people often don't understand what addicts will do...we are desperate. To US, we HAVE to use dope or we will get sick and die. So when I made statements like I wasn't afraid to die or that I cultivated DEATH...well that just goes to show how my mind-set was at the time I said and thought those things.
So having gone through many of these type of experiences and I mean every day there was some crazy SH*T going on, I just know in my very heart, to the depths of my soul really that I am supposed to share myself with others who still suffer. I think people who are suffering can tell when another person has experienced life like they have and it matters to them that somebody can and WILL listen relate and understand. And I can...
That is just one reason why I do this. When you lived like I did and then are able to find recovery it becomes VERY important to do those kind of things that make you feel worthwhile again...like being there for someone who is still battling their demons. Just by being there you are sending a message of HOPE...that "hey, you too can make it! Just don't EVER QUIT.
Perhaps this post this afternoon might shed a bit of light on why I am SO PASSIONATE about HELPING other addicts.
Once again, if any reader out there has any question about anything to do with me and my recovery...or my healing from sexual assault (rape) please do NOT hesitate to email or comment and ask. My email is: