To Rise Above Ruin

The blustery, rainy night has given way to a windy, cold and wet morning...the only difference being it is light outside instead of being dark. But the light, unfortunately provides no new answers to the many questions on peoples minds today particularly concerning the whole tragic, mess at Penn State University.


I have no new answers about that situation either. Just like I never had a clear cut answer or resolution for the questions concerning my own rape experience when I was a 12 year old boy. In many ways..it is as much a mystery today as it was right after it happened. In many ways I remember specifics of that day much like I'm remembering a bad dream...straining and striving to recall what seems now so unreal and yes...impossible.


I will tell you that it is a surrealistic and strangely awkward feeling to have the National News Organizations: TV/Radio, Print Media and the Internet, etc. talk repeatedly and openly about the rape and victimization of pre-teenage boys. I am not at all sure how I feel about it. It is a subject that normally gets NO attention at all in the main stream American conscience. Now as a people think such things far too unpleasant and unseemly to ever discus it openly in the light of day...until NOW. Thank You Penn State University...for this you did us a FAVOR.


Another odd and surrealistic experience is that my Mother and father obviously are aware of this news story. And they are talking about it a great deal, giving their opinion and the whole time they have NO CLUE that the "terrible, unthinkable, tragic" things that happened to those victims when they were boys also happened to their son. They would be devastated and my mother in particular would undoubtedly blame herself..though she in no way is accountable for any of what happened to.


My only other sibling, my younger sister reads Shell Shock Serenade and therefore has known about this for some time...but she too found out only by reading the blog posts. We haven't really had a discussions about it either and probably never will. I'm OK with that...If she ever wants to ('Lil Sis, you listening?) she may bring it up anytime and I'd be happy to discuss it with her.


But this situation here at home with my parents hi-lights an interesting emotional question, perhaps even a problem. For me...it is not an unusual feeling, one that I experience all the time. I feel like a rape victim and at the same time I feel like it happened to someone else...It is like living in the Twilight Zone...much as if I am living two parallel lives and they have often co-existed peacefully...Other times they are in nearly violent conflict, a continuous struggle against one another.


Like right now there have been moments in the last few days where I have desperately wanted to correct or enlighten my parents when they make an erroneous assumption or statement about rape or how to handle it. Being silent is rather hard when you happen to know the TRUTH but  I have thought and meditated (Read:Prayed) on this subject and I must hold it in and keep it to my self. 


And don't get me wrong...I am really OK doing that...I am in no way harming myself or setting myself back in anyway. I am in a good place with the healing process and it is obvious that this is not the situation to spill the truth out to get a temporary boost at the expense of two people I care deeply about who would NOT understand, who would be devastated beyond all imagination and perhaps wouldn't ever recover from it emotionally.


Sometimes we must remain silent for justice to remain victorious or EVIL...this I am certain is one of those very few and specific times when then statement holds true. That is what LOVE is all about...


(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)