Sunday, November 20, 2011
Because I am learning how to re-live my life all over again these days I often have more questions then answers and I find myself working through stuff as I go. And I really hate that sometimes...It just feels like I never truly know what I'm supposed to do. But more often then not...things work out for the best and I learn something useful each time.
Honestly in the past I just did what FELT best to me at the moment...I lived for my pleasure, my entertainment. Granted I had responsibilities and I took care of them but for the most part it was really pretty much about me and wanting to feel good. I did what I wanted to do and often cared less about the consequences. I just reacted to life and as my addiction took over I cared less and less about ramifications...
Today I try to live life with a purpose and that purpose (I know people are getting sick of hearing this) is to serve GOD by serving others. And what I've discovered in the process is that doing so actually feels better personally, deep inside then living the selfish ME FIRST lifestyle I always lived before.
But this still feels funny. I react oddly sometimes to being part of a church socially...I am terribly uncomfortable in social situations and it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. I feel like everyone can sense my feeling awkward as well...
I know I have a tendency to over think this kind of thing but I also realize that these very feelings of insecurity, feeling awkward and different were the very same feelings that made me feel like such an outcast as a boy and a high school teenager. And that is where smoking pot and drinking beer helped to make me feel more accepted and gave me a very strong sense of identity. I never minded being thought of as a "burnout" or "party-er" because in my thinking it was an accurate statement and I actually kind of liked the label.
Now something I do find a little odd and I'll admit...a bit uncomfortable and troubling is the "LABEL": Christian. Please do not misunderstand my meaning here...I am a proud FOLLOWER of Jesus Christ, I'm totally committed and truly believe with all my heart and I am not shy about admitting it or talking about it. But for decades that Label CHRISTIAN carried some very heavy, negative emotion with it. Also main-stream society uses that label in a totally negative fashion as well...it is so wrong, it really is. I can't really do anything about that though except live my life the way I know I should...in service to GOD by serving others.
Now that isn't easy and I don't always feel so strongly about it...but again it goes back to the scripture that convinced me to BELIEVE LUKE 9:23 - "Then he said to them all:
It isn't always easy to pick up your Cross each day and FOLLOW...but that following through on that commitment is my saving grace...it is what SAVES ME each and EVERY day.
Never in my past would I have been able to see pleasure and satisfaction in denying myself ANYTHING! Then adding to it sacrifice and hard work...well, I just cannot explain it...I really can't but I feel privileged to be able to do HIS work for HIM each and every day. It is the only time in my life that I truly felt like I had a divine calling...I cannot...NOT do this...can anyone understand that?
I realize that half the folks reading this aren't going to understand...the other half will more the likely think I have gone completely MAD. I'm sure I am ridiculed...much like I would have ridiculed me back in the day. But as I said...I no longer have any CHOICE in the matter...I am truly being led. I should be dead, rotting flesh right now. That is no dramatic posturing through statement...no, it is fact. I should not have lived. The self hatred I felt is in such contrast to the JOY I feel today...
And I feel that JOY...even though I am going through a difficult period of my life right now...things are not going well, live is not smooth, things have not gone my way nor are they going Kim's way either yet deep down it is the first time in my life that I do know that THIS place I am at in my life is where I am supposed to be. No question about that and that is an incredible feeling...to truly be LED down life's path.
I'm not sure if I have been able to express my feelings and thoughts here accurately but I am convinced that I live for HIM...and he leads me each and every day. And though I don't have that same "control" I felt I used to...there is much, much more POWER associated with living for JESUS then there ever was living for myself.