It is really frustrating, especially after so much time has passed in recovery and with so much time spent trying to improve myself and my behavior to realize how far I still have to go...
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be perfect or too hard on myself. I know I am human and I am going to make some mistakes...I believe my expectations are reasonable in this regard.... appreciate the fact that I have made some incredible gains, have learned a lot and have become a more loving, accepting and dependable human being. I am an active, positive and honest participant in all the relationships I am involved in.
Far from being a hassle or more difficult...I find being more responsible in relationships just as in life enhances the quality of those experiences. I think where I struggle is that I really am trying hard to change and at times I get frustrated with myself that I cannot implement these changes as quickly and cleanly as I would like. That's right...I cannot CHANGE fast enough to suit my own tastes! Who would have ever guessed that...
But after living in recovery for well over 5 years with a definite focus on improving one's self, being HONEST and more open in my daily existence you almost become dependent on making change and com to expect it. And yes I feel let down when I struggle to live up to my heightened expectations....
But the key to getting through all this is to realize that it is perfectly OK to struggle sometimes. I think it's healthy to work through adversity...to have to overcome and figure your way through stuff on my own, sometimes for the very first time in my life.
Progress is what we are ultimately trying to achieve here and if I am honest, truly honest with myself I think we are definitely making progress...
More on this ...Later.
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