Friday, November 18, 2011
I wrote earlier today about being a bit torn in two somewhat as to who or what I am supposed to be. I am in transition, continuing to make changes in my life from how how used to be when I was an active alcoholic/addict to who I am now as a person who has been recovering for nearly 6 years and is an active, committed follower of Jesus Christ. Yes...the contrast is vast and difficult to bridge at times.
I believe it's healthy for any person in life to continue to improve who they are...whether that means physically by exercising, spiritually through their belief in God or dealing with any psychological baggage they may have. For a person in recovery from addiction doing these things become essential and critical to my daily and continual well being.
I don't know if I'll ever truly know "who I am" in detail and the longer I live in recovery the more I realize that it really doesn't matter. I know today what I need to do to maintain my spiritual condition and the balance necessary in my life to stay healthy...and as long as I do that my life continues to improve, I continue to grow and learn more about whats really important in life.
It doesn't much matter that I live a life constantly in transition...no, as long as I accept that is the life I lead and just keep living it. Life is never going to stop or "settle down"...it can't because life itself is in flux, it is alive in and of itself and must always change and grow as well.....I've learned that in a certain way: Life is MOVEMENT. To stop is to die.
It's getting late and though I feel the blood pressure medication is helping, I feel quite unsettled and agitated right now. I'll be very frank: Kim has always had people in her life, family that have been nothing short of emotionally abusive and my nature is to punish those people anyway that I can. I realize that is what I need to be doing but she has NEVER had anyone support her before.
So before I pop off into a rant/post that I will later have second thoughts about I am going to shut this puppy down for the night...
(Painting: Winslow Homer)