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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Where's the RAGE...The Heart-Break...The PAIN?

People are wondering if I have gone soft. I mean all my posts lately have really had NO EDGE to them at all...they have actually been kind of plain, milk-toast...BORING. Well...that's funny because that isn't the way things have been in my life the last week or, not at all. Don't get me wrong..things are going pretty well but it has been rather chaotic as of late.

There are big, potential changes lining up on the horizon of my and our (yea I said "Our"...Kimmi is probably doing a freaking CARTWHEEL as she reads that!) lives. And coordinating the plans, involving other people and the fact that we started a new ministry this week has really kept me hopping and it's an exciting time in my life. 

As I wrote in an earlier POST I have been experiencing a natural yet still rather radical transformation from a life of focusing 24/7 on my recovery and not drinking/drugging to having a full and well balanced life that includes all sorts of things that we are involved with. And that truly is exciting...yes, it's also a bit frightening at times...but this is what I have been working for all these years of heart-ache and suffering...this is part of the pay-off.

So these posts lately often do not have the same urgency, the violence, the immediate NEED for resolution or redemption that some of the earlier posts did. Let's face some early posts I was wrestling with shear EVIL...I still hated who I was and what I represented...and I didn't really always want to live. Those posts shake the souls of any reader out there who happens to have a functioning HEART and a sense of decency.

I will also add that the last week has been very difficult personally because I haven't been sleeping well. I actually went 3 whole days without ANY sleep at all and it was getting to be impossible to write. I get nodding off onto my I'd go lie down and BAM I'd be wide awake. 

I slept an hour yesterday afternoon and though that sound like a pathetically short length of was enough to get me back on track. I slept for 2 hours last night and 2.5 hours this afternoon and I can feel the words just surging through me again as I type. Perhaps that issue of sleep deprivation more the having a boring life affected me the most when it came to posts earlier this week.

We'll see how the sleep thing continues to work itself's strange but I really haven'y had a real issue with sleep/NOT sleeping since the first 2 years of sobriety when it just was hard falling asleep sober but that too eventually passed.

I am just going to do what I always do here on the SHOCK during good times and not so good times...I'm going to connect with the Creator and see where he wants to lead me in all this and I am going to WRITE...and keep writing then write some. You, Dear Reader...get the don't-cha!?

(Pictures: Kathy Tomson)


  1. " I'd go lie down and BAM I'd be wide awake."

    Exactly! Sleepy, tired, head hits soft pillow, lights out... and ZING... eyes wide open.

  2. SG---Don't you just HATE that?! And for me lately that is exactly the way it has been. Actually yesterday and today I have gotten a couples hours sleep each day and it has begun to turn things 'round a bit. Here's to getting any sleep at all!