Saturday, November 5, 2011
It is a rather touchy subject for me...I mean I don't deny that I feel it...I do and quite often actually. But anger is a subject that I really don't have a handle on. I'm not afraid of my anger, truth be told...just wary of it because of the unpredictability it can bring on any situation. I'm Not fearful that I'll lose control. No...I am not a loose cannon and I don't have anger-management issues or anything...No, anger...my anger just strikes a very very touchy nerve with me.
This anger that I have, especially from the time I was raped...can be a painful and difficult type of anger to express...even 36 years after the fact. It really gets distorted and re-directed back toward myself and I just am not willing to go through that anymore...it is messy and frankly...it hurts.
Another issue is the feeling "anger" is just that, a feeling...it is a natural emotion that I have, just like any other emotion. The issue is that particular emotion, for me is "linked" to ALL that baggage associated with the rape and I start to get a bit "twitchy" when that subject comes up...it brings up the self-hatred, the guilt, the fear, loss of trust and so on and on, etc . It can be even worse when it comes up unexpectedly in a public or social environment but hey, that is when It often rears it's ugly head. But I'll often just try to avoid confronting it until a more appropriate time if that is possible...
A few weeks ago when I was going through the process of forgiving the 3 men who raped me, I touched on the intensity of the anger that I felt in a couple different blog posts here on The SHOCK. I can STILL feel, even today that intense anger rising up to rage...I want to strike back and i just don't trust myself with it at times like those. I would rather deal with those emotions in private I guess, just in case I feel over-whelmed or the emotions boil over. I've never had it happen in public but I have always been cautious like this and taken precautions.
Yea, it can be frustrating to have to be so aware all the time, be on guard...I wish I didn't of course but such is the life I am left to live. The alternative is to ignore it...roll thee dice and accept the consequences...For me that is far too risky and that will not happen on my watch.
So I just play it by ear...stay cautious and always maintain contact with My CREATOR who honestly levels this stuff out for me and it really, it's helped. I want to take on this subject in another post. It is funny that when i am writing posts you can know with certainty what you are trying to "say" but no matter how hard you try and capture that with the written word...it just doesn't come out right. That is the issue I am having tonight so we will close this BUGGER of a post and try this again...
(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)