Night has descended...darkness hides the wound that hurts us all. What you cannot see cannot hurt you or so the old saying goes. I was never actually afraid of the dark...no, I was afraid of the idea of a permanent darkness, a form of psychological "blindness"...the end.
My life, particularly the last years of my active alcoholism/addiction were frighteningly odd in that reality was more often then not, much worse then my fearful fantasies or nightmares. Yea, you understood that correctly...My 'irrational" fear proved pale in comparison to what actually HAPPENED to me and it WAS NOT a dream! Nightmare became REALITY and I had no way out....
The drugs no longer provided escape, they no longer numbed the pain...My sole reason for continuing to use drugs and alcohol was simple: I HAD to! Why? Because if I stopped, I became deathly ill within a few short hours and I am not exaggerating about how ill you became. I think the hardest part of addiction to describe is that NEED, physical, psychological, emotional and finally SPIRITUAL...yep, the booze, the drugs without a doubt became my gods. I worshipped them, I had no choice for they OWNED me, owned every inch of me, they possessed my very SOUL really. I was a prisoner of SELF, Hopeless, Helpless...Godless. All I knew were agony, fear and suffering...good did not exist in MY world.
So that nightmare became one long horror show, where I, the tragic main character finds multiple ways to hurt himself yet never finds solace in death. No this pathetic fellow who was me, ultimately was destined to just SUFFER forever, until the end of time...I truly believed I was to suffer for all eternity...and that my friends was where I thought the story would end.
But as many of you now know, things really have changed for me. And though I've changed slowly but surely in a lot of ways the effect has been nothing short of EXPLOSIVE in it's impact on my life today. The world looks much different then it had before, primarily because I see it through God's eyes now and no longer through my own...But the hour grows late...so I shall save that part of the story for another time...another place. Goodnight all!