Sunday, August 28, 2011
It All Hurts Just The Same!
Well, if I had any doubts about my feelings for Kim these days, I surely don't now that she has left for home. This feeling really blows...I am really getting to dislike saying goodbye or so long or see ya later...whatever, it all hurts just the same!
And I get it...it's actually a good sign that I am finally letting myself feel something for somebody else after keeping those kind of thoughts and feeling locked away so tightly for the past 5 plus years. But I have had my share of pain and heartache in life, albeit the majority of it was self-inflicted or happened because of my own poor choices and decision making. Regardless of the cause though it still hurt...
I haven't really mentioned this on the blog but K and I are definately trying to get her moved and settled in the area so we can take the next step at some point and get married. Now I realize that is at LEAST a 3-part blog post all in itself: "Flash: Hell has frozen over-T changes his tune about marriage" And I have changed and it truly is a big deal because until recently I still believed marriage was a joke.
A total myth...a figment of some-body's overly active, dream world imagination! Or just plain wishful thinking on the part of millions of DUPES thinking their relationship will be the one (in a million) that works out! Poor, misguided IDIOTS...is exactly what I thought about them and THAT pipe-dream called marriage. But, my previous experience led me to the conclusion that if you want to bail on a relationship, you bail. It's easily justified by saying "I had to look out for myself, it was a health matter", marriage vows and death 'til us part meant NOTHING.
Now...for the first time in my life I'm really feeling sad because the one person I want to spend my time with right now isn't here anymore and won't be for some time to come. Now I understand that God has a plan and I do not doubt that for a minute but it is difficult when you have waited for something for so long and it still isn't working out the way you'd like it too.
I guess I take solace in the fact that we have such a wonderful partnership already...we have been close for so long, the trust level and our understanding of each other is so well developed, that we have become a great team. That is rare, I realize.
Yesterday at the Nursing Home I really noticed it...we just work well together and I think having both of us there together put a lot of the folks at ease..Plus it is cool to do something special like that with someone special you really care about.
One thing that I know for certain in my life today is that the future is going to be full of surprises...I know that there is going to be a ministry of some sort, an outreach to youth or addicts or the elderly...perhaps all of the above. Kim knows that too. Life could be difficult but we want to do it and do it together and I have just never felt like that before. Where I want to share my experiences, day to day with another person and I find that equally facinating and frightening at the same time...
So I suppose patience, once again is in order!It isn't fun being here alone...especially when I see couples walk by hand in hand and think...why do I have to wait even LONGER then I already have? I have no answer for that, only he really knows and he isn't saying this afternoon...