These are the times that really kick my a**...not only physically for sure but psychologically, emotionally and then spiritually. I am having a first rate, 100% full blown back related "episode", one like I haven't experienced in a couple years at least. The pain in my lower back is incredible at the moment...making routine behaviors and movement nearly impossible.
These are the episodes that have often frightened me because of their intensity...your mind starts to play tricks on you, telling me that this time the pain will never diminish, it will never go away. Of course this is the nightmare scenario I've lived with ever since I started having chronic pain in the mid to late 1980's....that it would never go away.
There was a time early in my recovery when I would get nervous that this kind of thing would drive me to drink or do drugs...that reality has never come to pass mainly because I kept doing what I need to do to maintain my sobriety on a daily basis. It always stayed the top priority in my life because I knew that if it wasn't...well I would use again.
My back/nerve disability is always going to be a constant challenge for me...pain...constant, chronic, gnawing pain is will drive the sanest person crazy given time. It is something I have had to deal with and do so very carefully because of my addiction. When medication has been required (and it has at various times), it was and is always handled by a third party because I never wanted to take the risk of doing it for myself. But it is a slippery slope because I am a master manipulator and can justify ANYTHING. I have also gotten to be a pretty persuasive person and can talk anyone, including myself into doing things I shouldn't.
I certainly would rather not have to deal with constant, chronic, debilitating pain...it would make my life so much easier but that is the cross I must bear.
And episodes like this one I am experiencing now always seem like the worst because I have gone quite some time where the pain has been at a more manageable level...so when it dramatically increases, like it has the last day or so...it really seems intense.
My experience tells me that the pain will pass...there are also many physical and meditative techniques I can use to help me manage this episode plus sometimes I just need to put my life on hold for a day or two...That is what disability is all about sometimes. I don't like it but it is what it is...I'm not very good at sitting still, taking it easy or listening to GOOD advice but again I've learned to do what I needs to be done to heal and move on.
So we'll just have to see how it plays out. It's times like these that really emphasise to me that I need to make a decision about getting the back fusion I've been thinking about. That is a 6 month recovery period but it may limit mobility enough to stop these kinds of things from happening.
I'm still digging out from a mountain of hospital bills from being at the Mayo Clinic this Spring and having stomach surgery a few months ago so I'm going to have to wait a little while anyway, I already know and accept that. So it's time to pray and meditate for awhile and see what the Big Boss has to say about it...
(Painting by Vincent Van Gogh)
