Saturday, August 27, 2011
There was definately a time in my recovery, probably somewhere around the 2.5 to 3 years clean/sober mark that I was really having some difficulty with the more "quiet" aspects of the lifestyle I was living. And by that I don't mean like going out clubbing all the time vs staying home...no I was always kind of a home body that favored local taverns once in a while anyway.
But what was lacking, I think was I was missing the excitement generated in my life by living so far out on the ledge...the extreme daily drug/alcohol use, temping fate and mocking death in a way. There was this unknown element I was missing that came with pushing the envelope ALL the way when I was still a practicing addict/alcoholic.
I was still craving that rush that came with "dodging bullets" in a way and couldn't find anything in my current life that filled that void. And it wasn't fun stuff we are talking about here...no my life when I was using was CHAOTIC....all sorts of things in my life were in disarray and that added an element of disorder was missing...and believe it or not, I actually MISSED IT!
That is just totally insane, I realize that but it is absolutely the truth...and it took awhile for me to adjust and shake that underlying notion that I was somehow MISSING something by having serenity and balance in my daily life! It is a laughable memory now but trust me, I really hated my life...
I at least wanted to live as a legend in my own mind...I had never really wanted to be a normal type guy yet here I was. Now today I have really come to appreciate the life I have and I don't miss that CHAOS at all. But it was all part of the learning curve of recovery.
It was a different way of living all the way around. I was forced to be honest, upfront and keep my commitments. Obviously I wasn't drinking or drugging plus I was going through a great deal of therapy and other changes in the way I lived my life. I had a whole new lifestyle and I was re-building my life from scratch.
Today I love the calm, the serenity I feel but there are occasionally twinges where I remember that constant feeling of excitment and just for a split second...I still miss it too. But they pass and rather quickly too...I kinda smile to myself and realize I'm not really missing a thing!