You know I like to pass off this new, caring, loving Thom like I'm some kind of super good guy all the time but the truth is I am not. Not even close. I still deal with a lot of the same character defects that were so prevalent during my active addiction years: selfishness, angry behavior, being judgemental and quick to judge, compulsiveness...those are just a few.
As a matter of fact there are times when I wonder if I have changed at all inside because I will get angry about something and honestly, it will take over my life as if nothing else matters...I do think i am quicker at recognizing when this happens these days and as a result I will stop obsessing and move on but it still bothers me that I can so quickly let things get to me.
I have had people make comments that it almost seems like I am striving for perfect behavior here in the goals that I set and being human, they are impossible goals to hit. So the suggestion is perhaps I've set my sights too high and as a result I'm always feeling like I'm falling short or failing. I do think there is some truth to that assessment yet at the same time, I am very aware that I am not perfect but the goal for being kind still has to be "I'm going to ALWAYS be kind to others" not just "some of the time". There really is no way to short change or abbreviate how we should act when it comes to loving behavior toward our fellows...
I actually think I have a pretty good understanding of what's realistic and I am not too hard on myself in the end. I think what I am reffering to above is what Ifeel inside is still so strong that it frightens me a bit. The anger I have for my 3 attackers for example, I don't remember the post but it was in the last 3-4 months I actually said I wouldn't blink shooting them. That is still anger in the "raging, unforgivable stage" say! I have a long way to go to get to forgiveness, huh?!
And frankly I was making a point because I do not wish them dead...but it is hard for me to conjure up any kind of consideration for behavior so monstrous, for whatever reason.
I think it is a natural part of my life today for me to check my behavior, to see if I am acting according to my principals and values...and there are times I discover that I fall a bit short, is all and I need to work on some things.
I have always had a bit of a problem accepting that I am human, I think I should be able to do anything if I put my heart and mind to it...this is a crazy way to be thinking, you know after all I have been through! Because I know how human I really am and believe me you don't want the examples...
So I guess the answer here is to keep plugging away...I know my heart is in a good place and though I will makes mistakes..i am quick to try and rectify the situation when possible. I also think this whole business of feeling like this is part of my learning to love myself...to accept myself as a good guy who is dedicated to following the Lord but is going to STUMBLE some times. I really believe God would rather have me try and stumble then not try at all.
So that is the focus...keep plugging...er, trying, never stop doing my best to be of service to others and it all may just fall right into place....I think I will run with that focus for a while!
(Painting by Vincent Van Gogh)