All is settling down this evening. Dinner is long finished, dishes cleaned and put away. We took a nice quiet stroll around the island and I can feel the days stresses, the strain simply drain from my face. It feels really good, it leaves me with a sense of calm and serenity that I honestly have never really felt before.
My life is changing in a lot of ways...some big decisions have been made regarding the future. Now the reality of the situation has to meet the goals I/WE have set in terms of what is realistic to actually do now and what is not practical under the circumstances. It is a drastic change from the first few years of my recovery and sobriety where I was just trying to learn to stay sober and holding on to life in a most desperate fashion. That has continued, in one form or another for the last five years.
Now there is stability through a spiritual relationship with God. That has changed my circumstances in the most incredible and unpredictable way...the future is wide open yet I believe that certain decisions have already been made for me. For instance I know that until I leave this world, I will use my experiences as a witness to the healing power of Love and the amazing Grace of God. I have no choice but to witness really nor do I have any kind of issue in doing so...I am passionately committed to being used as an example of what can happen when the human will is used to supersede the will of our Creator. The results are heartbreaking and mostly tragic as I can honestly attest to.
I am doing things in my life today that two years ago I would have considered absolutely mad, totally and completely insane! Now I am CHOOSING to live my life that way and I couldn't be more certain and comfortable with my choices today. God leads, I follow and I will continue to do so until I breathe my very last breath on this earth, with a smile in my heart and my eyes focused, completely and locked totally in on HIM...
And what do I make of that commitment to my Lord and Savior? In all honesty, I have never been more certain of anything in my entire life. It still feels so unreal to me sitting here tonight because I was so committed to self destruction, to self fulfilment and pleasure just a year ago. I HATED God and particularly despised Christians...my beliefs and my conversion truly were not that different from what happened to the Apostle Paul who once persecuted Christians, who hunted them down and was feared and hated by all believers. Until the day Jesus spoke to him on the road to Damascus and asked why he was persecuting him?
Needless to say Paul had a complete and total awakening and transformation...and in January of 2011, so did I. Jesus didn't speak to me the way he spoke to Paul but there is no doubt that something drastically changed me inside. I died that night on my knees, my old self dead and gone forever, replaced by a new man who lives only in Christ, wide open to the WORD of God and the Holy Spirit. I know...I didn't believe it either but there is no other explanation, I was changed, transformed and now following him is all I want to do, no matter the cost, the hardship, trial and tribulation...I cheerfully except whatever CROSS I have to bear, daily.
I never wanted to witness, to minister to those in need. Yet here I am...what else could have led me down this particular path? Yep, God did and he is the ONLY reason I am here living this particular life today...