There are moments, when it suddenly occurs to me that I am using my life publicly as an example of what can happen when you try recover from addiction, heal from rape and daily try to live/cope in this big, cold dark world we live in and I think I must be out of my freakin' mind! I know...I'm just now realizing this after doing it for well over a year? Well not exactly but I do know that when I started blogging here on the SHOCK, I had no idea what I was truly getting into.
And I have said on many occasions here that I have NO regrets, that I feel a great deal of gratitude for the opportunity to share my story in hopes that it may indeed help someone in a similar place in their own life. But I also know that I have benefited immensely from doing it as well. I've learned a great deal about myself, about others and how recovery is perceived and received by our society in general.
What started out primarily as a recovery focused Blog has grown into one generally about living and life itself from the point of view of one person and their experience. I have said before that I experience a weird sense of detachment when reading my own posts sometimes...like I am reading about someone else and not myself.
I have learned a great deal from this experience about the ill-conceived and inaccurate perceptions people STILL have about alcoholism/addiction and those people who suffer from this disease. I suppose this doesn't really surprise me...what do people really have to go on other then the tragic, heartbreaking over-dose, suicide, drunk-driving and violent abuse stories they see in the media. There just aren't many resources out there telling the story of daily recovery and the transformation that can take place in peoples lives when they commit to change.
I suppose that is because it isn't a very sexy story to tell...especially after all the lurid tales of drunken escapades, wild behavior and a party lifestyle. Day to day sobriety and a life dedicated to serving others sounds rather uninteresting. And if you start to talk about a spiritual change, well forget it! Nobody really wants to talk or even think about God...the subject is clearly taboo and should be avoided.
I also think that the subject matter of addiction, sexual assault and dealing with extreme emotional upheaval frightens people...it puts them off. It is also quite unpleasant and since there is enough unpleasant crap going on in the world why would anyone want to invite more of it into their daily life by reading a blog about it?! I can totally understand that rationale and can't say I disagree. That is why I often refer to Shell Shock Serenade as a "Niche Blog" because the subject matter is difficult to talk about or listen to and not everyone is going to be interested or even really care.
I will say though that when I started I originally believed the blog would appeal ONLY to people in recovery. That couldn't be further from the truth! What I have discovered is that people could relate to the hurt, the loneliness and confusion....because most of us experience those very same feelings...albeit for a variety of different reasons.
And what started in my mind as a blog about recovery became quite honestly a blog about LIFE...and the wide range of stuff that one encounters when living in the world today. It has been hard at times to keep going when the subject matter is so heavy and so deep. It can be hard talking about addiction and rape specifically because let's face it, people who experience those two things often NEVER recover...the odds are not very good, even today with all the information and resources available. It can be a heartbreaking story to tell and to read...and to LIVE.
But for me it's essential that I continue to tell the story...it is just part of what I have to do to maintain the balance in my life. I originally did this because I felt I had to...now I have a passion for sharing with others and helping anyway I possibly can. It almost feels like I have come full circle in a way...and for me, that is a very good thing.