Yesterday's experience at the hospital hasn't left me, not even for a second, the entire night...it has profoundly affected me...and I knew that it would. These situations ALWAYS do and they should, it's traumatic and heartbreaking stuff. The moment these type of things stop getting to me is the moment that I am in danger of drinking again.
When I experience moments like this one, that take me right back to a very painful place in my past, it sometimes almost takes a surreal turn...like it was me yet it really wasn't. I remember it almost as if I am remembering a dream. Some of that is because I wasn't really in my right mind at the time I experienced it...for starters I was completely and totally stoned, really messed up. I was also very ill, usually in some state of dope withdrawal or form of overdose plus I had advanced pneumonia w/high fever...it was always a feast or famine situation with me, things were OK or they were life or death. there wasn't much middle ground in my life at that time....
There is nothing routine or CONSISTANT about being a practicing dope addict and alcoholic. You are either running out of booze/dope or you have plenty and take way too much, because a little was just NEVER good enough, nope...you ALWAYS need more. In my case and I believe in this fellows case as well, I was also taking a boat-load of prescribed drugs in addition to the illicit drugs. Mostly stuff for pain, Bi-Polar and Depression...powerful anti-anxiety, anti-depression drugs in very high doses...plus sleeping pills like Ambien. That just complicated the situation even more. I was literally dancing with the DEVIL every single moment of my life. He is too...
My body didn't know if it was coming or going, it was being pulled in so many different directions and all at the same time. Seeing this yesterday has really affected me, it never gets easy when you are confronted with the true reality and IMPACT of your past, on yourself and in particular on others.
This fellows daughter was there and I couldn't help thinking about my own daughter Chelsea and my son Ian. I have made amends to them for my behavior and more importantly to THEM, I have changed...One day at a time I am clean and sober today with a whole new way of living. That is what's important to them...what I'm doing NOW, how I am living NOW...NOT just what I am SAYING I'm going to do. They had heard all that sh*t before. They wanted me to change...and they wanted to SEE the CHANGE. Thank God they have...
And I think that is what hurts me most about this situation yesterday, because I know that he has to CHANGE, right NOW or he is going to die. That is a simple, unvarnished FACT. And honestly I'm not sure he is ready to stop using drugs and drinking...and it tears me apart inside when I think about it. It is truly insane for a person in that kind of shape to even contemplate drinking again yet that is what us Alcoholics...DO. So What can I really do to help him if he doesn't want to help himself?!
Well...I can show up and visit...and I will. I can pray and I am but ultimately the first move is HIS: God will help him and so will his friends IF he will let us. That is a decision that he is going to have to make for himself...and he had better make it SOON.
(Painting by Vincent Van Gogh)
