The point to this wee bit of an exercise is that life as I know it today is really pretty good. Yes, there are issues. I have relationships with certain family members that I sincerely wish were better. I have been experiencing a particularly painful period as far as my back, hips, knee, neck and feet go. Particularly the second toe on my right foot. It is located next to the big toe which was amputated 6 years or so ago. I am not sure what is happening but it is 3x the normal size and really painful making it troublesome to walk, drive or BREATH haha, for that matter. I honestly think it's usefulness has long run IT's course and it too needs to be removed. Sounds NUTS I know but it would be a big relief for me to have it gone, just like when they finally took the big guy off...
There are situations going on in my life which I cannot really even refer to here any more specifically then this that are deeply troubling personally and one of those situations has been particularly troubling the last month or so. That whole issue basically exploded right during the time I lost my 17 year old cat making that whole time period just plain awful and even more difficult to cope with then it should have been. Plus the truth is so hurtful, so sick that I can't really share details with anyone except K-Sue, my pastor and my close friend G. Now it has become just a really bad memory and you can't help but to associate that person (or persons) with this terrible event.
As far as the issues which lay the foundation for this blog: Recovery from addiction and sexual assault...well it is a daily process but it is going pretty well. Neither issue dictates how I feel or act throughout my day...so though the recovery process itself will always be ongoing, it is going smoothly and productively as of right now.
Life is the main issue, those things that come up unexpectedly like the situation I just mentioned here a minute ago. I have to handle those type of issues productively, carefully and with prayerful meditation. So I can be as open and honest as possible, which is really good for my overall health (emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual). And it has been good for the most part...sure, there will always be bumps in the road but it is how you deal with those that really matters.
An issue that I have had to deal with unexpectedly has to do with my own self-image and identity as a human being. I have made no secret that in the past...even in the very recent past I was openly critical about Christians and how they acted towards others. I hated them and everything that (I thought) they stood for. I thought them so judgemental....And now I am one!
I will admit that I had a lot of things wrong about followers of Jesus, I was very closed minded and judgemental. I did not make the distinction between "Religious" and "Spiritual", a common mistake and stereotype. I also confused all Christians with FOLLOWERS, again that is inaccurate but an easy mistake or assumption to make. And it is no secret that the media tends to hit very hard critically when it comes to Christians, looping them all in with right wing fundamentalists. Well, that is NOT who I am...who I ever was or who I ever will be. I've said that to begin to believe I didn't DO anything...I STOPPED doing something: Resisting. I resisted by trying to THINK my way through instead of surrendering and having FAITH. When I was desperate enough, when I hurt enough then I did just that...I surrender.
These are difficult discussions and thoughts for me to deal with...the emotion about a lot of these things is still very raw and it chaffs the SOUL in a way. I admit to still having doubts sometimes when I read or hear about some Christian who did this or that and it's ugly..then I feel odd about it. But then I realise that MAN..human beings are flawed, they screw up...all the time. If I stick to the WORD then I am able to "see" the TRUTH and understand what is really important. That would be Following the LORD and helping those in need..not just spiritual need but physical, psychological and emotional needs as well.
So what am I? A Christian? Yes, I am and I use that term here but I will freely admit to feeling uncomfortable with it sometimes, not because I am reluctant to associate myself with Christ...I am not. But the perception and interpretation of that term here in the US and the World is almost totally NEGATIVE. It really is...That is why I have really embraced the term: FOLLOWER as in FOLLOWER of Jesus Christ because that is truly what I am. I am a slave, a servant to the Lord. And a willing one at that! I have no hesitation or qualms about using that term Follower to describe myself though I will use the term Christian as well because it is widely used, understood and accepted, particularly by Christians themselves.
Ultimately I will be judged on the kind of person I really am, who I am deep down inside. Only God and I know who I really am...But also others will see some of that through my actions....How do I live my life...do I REALLY care about others, will I sacrifice for God and do my actions glorify the Lord? Those are the important questions for me to answer on a day to day basis as I live my life one day at a time, for HIM.
I realize this post is somewhat scatter-brained. I had a bunch of stuff on my mind so I sincerely hope it didn't get to confused in the delivery of it...
I'll end on a high note this afternoon. I spent a couple of hours at Masonville House nursing Home this morning. I am most certain that the person that benefits the MOST from my volunteering there is ME. It is an awesome thing to be a part of and it feels so effortless. On Wednesdays I lead a trivia game where I ask questions and the residents try to give me the answer. We do 10 questions then I hold a 10 question spelling bee. Honestly I didn't think people would enjoy it but they do. On Saturday mornings I read the Bible over there for an hour...currently we are through the first Chapters of the Gospel of JOHN. I am one of those FREAKS who really, truly enjoys reading out loud so that is what I do.
When I leave that building each time i visit my feet are rarely ever touching the ground. that is where I really see the LIGHT of GOD at work on a daily basis. It is a gift and one I have already come to cherish each and every day.
Paintings By Vincent Van Gogh
